My Preciousss

Old What's Her Face* told me a few days ago that she needed a new iron. I figured, small appliance, they don't last forever, okay. I assumed we'd wind up at Target or someplace this weekend.

 

My phone rang at the office this afternoon. “Well, I got my iron.”

 

“That's cool. One less errand this weekend.”

 

“Well, I decided to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and take care of it.”

 

I might have done a small face palm. There are no witnesses, so I'm not sure. “I thought you were going to Kohl's or someplace.”

 

“I looked at Target last week, and I don't like what they have.”

 

“What else did you buy?”

 

“Just–” Oh yeah, notice how there is no attempt to deny anything. Also notice how the word “just” minimizes the shopping experience.

 

“Just some tea tree oil, a new pumice stone, an iron, and a new dog blanket.”

 

“I didn't think there was anything wrong with his old blanket.”

 

“I've been watching these special dog blankets, and they're only eighty dollars, but I had a coupon and got half off.”

 

I leaned against my desk. Huh, I don't think we use an eighty dollar blanket.

 

She continued, “I needed the right iron. An iron is a very personal item – Gollum Gollum.“

 

“So about two hundred bucks or so?”

 

“Pretty close.”

 

This is wife-speak for I've guessed too low. I've been married long enough to recognize the time to quit – while I'm behind.

 

I'm writing this at home. The dog is curled up with his new blanket. Old What's Her Face is in the kitchen filling The Precious with water. I'm pretty sure she's going to spend part of the evening on the couch working on her hooves with a pumice stone and tea tree oil.

 

*Not my wife's actual name.

Target owns me

I successfully convinced my wife to stay away from Bed Bath & Beyond. We took our shopping spree to Target instead.

For those who missed my post about the camper, we bought a camp trailer this weekend. Now I've been around these things all my life, but I've never owned one myself. The natural progression was to retire items from home service and move them to the camper. Old dish towels, less loved kettles, that sort of thing.

My wife doesn't feel the same way. Oh no, no, no. The camper is shiny and new, and it must have shiny new things inside. All the colors must coordinate. She actually filled up on minor kitchen items, then took them all back because she couldn't get the same color in everything. They had everything in black only. We got black.

Once again we compromised. My extensive collection of cast iron cookware contributed a few items to the camper. I also had some old items with years left in them, like flashlights, lanterns, and even some old towels.

We still need to visit Home Depot or Lowes. Today it was all about Target. It turns out we need throw rugs and runners. We needed new pillows and sheets. To give her credit, the camper has a queen sized bed, and we don't own anything that will fit. I stayed well back when it was time to pick out pillows. Never get between a woman and her pillow. I read Joeyfully Stated, and she described my wife to a tee.

Tomorrow, all the throw rugs and runners are getting returned. Who knows how many times we'll have to go through this process. Wrong size, wrong pattern, wrong color…blah, blah, blah. (She actually suggested that Bed Bath & Beyond might have a better selection. I faked a stroke. I may get nominated for an award for Best Stroke Under the Pressure of Shopping.)

We added in some plastic glasses and one of those things that holds your silverware. (My old camping silverware. Yay!) I wound up sharpening the knives for an hour.

We added some miscellaneous items, lots of them actually. I talked my wife into a hand held vacuum to keep the camper nice and neat. We added a fly swatter, a bottle opener, a little of this, and a little of that. Oh, and a cheese grater. She was so excited to get a new box grater, you have no idea.

I think we're pretty close. We never made it to a hardware store, and there are a couple items we still need. I think we could have a great camping trip right now…if we could still afford the gasoline to go. It sure looks pretty parked in front of my house.

 

Upholstery, stress, and a side of anxiety

It was a stressful day for me today. We started off with the pee wee football game, and that was a breeze. Our grandson is good at defense if someone explains it to him. Turns out he’s a good running back too.

I pumped myself up for the rest of our day, but we forgot our checkbook and had to go back to the house for it. I don’t do well with life’s big decisions, but I have the ability to plow through them. Once I’ve made up my mind, I’m all in.

We went back and forth over upholstery all last night. It turns out that we were choosing the least ugly of three ugly choices. Come to find out, that version was not available in Idaho. We settled for the middle ugly version.

I’m being kind of cryptic, and so what we did today was buy a new camp trailer. We’ve never owned any kind of adult toys in our lives, and it was time. After decades of “maybe next year” we finally decided that next year never comes. We’re in our fifties now, and it’s time for us to have some fun. Here’s what we took home.

It’s one of the smaller Lance campers. I didn’t feel like manipulating a huge camper down the highways and byways. Lance is famous for their slide in campers, and they ought to make a good trailer.

It has a cool slide out section that clearly shows the ugly upholstery inside. We went a bit larger than I wanted, because my wife wanted the bed you could access from either side. Most of them are sideways, and someone has to get in first then sleep against the wall.

That image shows how the bed fits in. It also comes with a cool automatic awning. It has a wind detection program that rewinds it if the wind comes up. It also comes with some cool party lights that my wife really likes. I hope the picture shows the cool party lights.

What drives me crazy is the way all dealerships handle with their customers after you’ve made a commitment. “You want light bulbs with that?” You find out that the $150 per month for the rest of your life actually comes to $250 per month – for the rest of your life. If you want power, you need a generator. But wait, if you want to actually run anything, you need two generators. Cha ching!

We were at the dealership for about six hours while they tried to sell me extended warranties and such. I liked the idea of a Scotchguard on the upholstery and another protectant for the exterior paint. The guy had me sold and seemed to say it was $250 more. When he added it to our contract it was $1400 more. I stopped him cold. Everything is an extra on these things. The financing sucks you in, but you really can’t get that price unless you already have everything you need and waive all the extended warranties.

Then there was the five minute tutorial on how to do everything. It’s a lot of information, and I’m never going to get it until I actually do it once. That freaks me out. So I need some sort of pressure reducing part if I ever hook into water at a campground. That only happens every five years or so, and I have to remember so I don’t blow out the plumbing. Does anyone out there think I’ll remember?

But wait, there’s more. I can’t park this at my house, and have to rent a slot at a storage facility. Cha ching!

So I’m stressed. Honest to God, through the roof stressed. My wife hates this about me, but she acknowledges it if nothing else. We don’t even have an available weekend together until July. We will camp though in 2015, come Hell or high water we’re going.

My wife found some medication that seems to help a man like me. I’m sitting at the Yard House right now. Here is a small dose of Anderson Valley Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel aged Stout. It helps, but it’s going to take several more.

We already decided we need some more stuff like a cordless drill, toilet brush, new sheets for the bed, and a million other things. Buying the damned thing was only the beginning. (Oh God! She’ll probably want to go back to Bed Bath and Beyond!) I have a ton of stuff from my tent camping days, but she says new stuff is required. She has some say in all this too, but we compromise well.

The camper has USB ports, so I can keep writing, and/or outlining while we’re out. I know we’re going to have a great time, it just bugs me to go through the process of purchasing.

I’m on my third stout now, and things are looking up. Maybe after four or five more pints I’ll be more excited about the process.

I may start writing my next novel out in the pine forest somewhere, while listening to that damned bird. Then again, I might be in a hot springs not really caring all that much at all. Tomorrow never comes, and I think we’re going to enjoy this. It may prohibit some of my weekend posts, but I’ll catch up when we get back home.

Movie and shopping

Old What’s Her Face* wanted to do something today. Our standard fare is to go to a movie. What appealed to me was Planet of the Apes, (of course, I love science fiction.) Lucy, and Hercules. I read a review that Hercules sucks and the twelve labors have nothing to do with the story. My wife felt like without Kevin Sorbo it wouldn’t be worth her effort.

She was indifferent to either one of the remaining movies. I had to choose between a beloved franchise from my youth and Scarlet Johansen strutting around in tight clothes. (Some of us like Sorbo, and some of us like Johansen. Go figure.)

You know you’re getting old when apes win out over the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. I liked the movie. There is a great parallel when Caesar can’t controls his apes, and the humans can’t control their people either. No one wants war, but they get one anyway. The bad guy is an ape named Koba. He has this wonderful ability to act like a circus performer and be completely evil at the same time. It’s one of those movies that could wait for HBO, but it was good. I think it could use more female touches.

A quick dinner at The Outback, and it was off to Old Chicago for beer. My wife went shopping. She knows just how much time to give me before she has to show me something. A few beers, a nice meal, a fun afternoon together and she’s in charge.

It was more bath towels. Here’s a question for you: What’s worse than Bed Bath and Beyond?

Answer: Nothing.

We recently spent a small fortune on bath towels at BB&B. I considered raising my insurance to cover them. My wife won’t use them, because after multiple trips through the laundry, they’re still linty.

Old What’s Her Face dragged me to Macy’s. We wound up with twice as many towels for a third as much money. They were even on sale. I always liked Macy’s. We can mix and match for colors along with the BB&B towels. We don’t dare throw those out, they’re too expensive. I wonder if we can donate the BB&B towels to the Smithsonian for a tax write off?

I didn’t goof off completely today. I edited several chapters of my epic fantasy story, The Cock of the South. I’m kind of excited to get this one out there. I don’t write a lot of fantasy, but I really enjoyed this one.

I hope everyone else had a great Saturday too.

Note: Old What’s Her Face really wants either a new camper or a new bedroom set. I do too, but they don’t have enough beer in Boise for me to fall for that one.

* Not my wife’s actual name.

Giant Nuclear Lizard and Bed Bath and Beyond

I started my day off poisoning weeds for Old What’s Her Face*. It was supposed to be a day of yard work. I insist on bathing after spraying poison, and intended to move on to trimming roses and spreading fertilizer.

She suggested going to the movies and stopping to get some new towels on the way home. It was presented as, “Now that you’re all cleaned up…”

We went to Godzilla, which I have always loved since the black and white versions. It’s kind of a trope today, but Godzilla was what created the trope. It was the original. (King Kong is older, but it was a different kind of tale.)

I expected some changes to the story, but I also thought it might be a nice change up. The changes didn’t add all that much to the tale. Mostly, Godzilla has grown some since he conquered Manhattan over a decade ago.

My disappointment is mostly in spending more time with two giant nuclear cockroaches. Wasn’t the name of the movie Godzilla? I mean there were any number of Godzilla vs. whatever movies, and that’s what this really was.

There was a mistake here and there. When he makes his first appearance, in Hawaii, he causes a tidal wave. Why was there no tidal wave in San Francisco?

I’m not disappointed with the big guy being the hero this time out. He always did split his time between hero and villain. I thought the news banner about Godzilla saving the city was kind of stupid. The cockroaches did less damage than he did.

Hollywood seems to think there is no ordinance between rocket propelled grenades and nuclear missiles. Just once, I’d like to see someone drop a daisy cutter on a giant cockroach, no nukes required. Maybe that would have rendered Godzilla unnecessary. There was little enough of him as it is.

I liked the way they touched upon him being a force of nature. They missed the standard sermon about how we caused all this. I can’t help myself, I still like Godzilla. It’s almost like they can’t screw it up, I just want more. I have to say that it wasn’t a great Godzilla movie, but it was a Godzilla movie.

We left the theater and went straight to Bed Bath and Beyond. We matched colors on bath towels, compared softness and size. Then we needed wash rags and hand towels to fit the scheme. Add in a new garbage can, toothbrush holder and soap dish. Then we needed to redo the half bath downstairs. (One of those things my wife saves until we’re in the store). More towels and rugs went into the basket.

We couldn’t leave without a few “isn’t that cool” items. The old pit bull scored a new squeaky toy (which he’s already killed). I nearly fainted at the checkout stand. I never thought this stuff was so valuable. I wonder if I should call my insurance provider and tell him to include new towels on our policy.

So we have a pretty new bathroom decor, and did it for about the same price as a weekend at the coast. Maybe this is why wives usually do this without their husbands present. I’m off to look for Godzilla on one of the classic movie channels.

* Not my wife’s real name.

PS: If any of you would like to buy one of my books, I’m sure Bed Bath and Beyond would appreciate it. (We need to go back for one more rug.)