Category Archives: Lisa Burton Radio

Lisa Burton Radio

Dear Lisa Vol. 2, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Hey, hipsters, Lisa Burton the robot girl here, and today we’re doing something fun. I don’t have a guest to interview, so we’re holding another episode of Dear Lisa. This is where I flip through some of the fan mail, and answer it on the air. Stick with me, it’ll be fun.

Our first letter comes from Long Island and wants to know what my first job was.

I try really hard to be just as human as everyone else, but admit that I’m a little different. I was created in a concept lab as both a promotional tool, and to demonstrate what the future of robotics could hold. Part of the bargain was to plant me into society and see how I adapt as a human. Some people are nervous nellies, and were terrified that I’d go all Skynet on them. That meant the police department was the only place they’d let me work. They were better equipped to watch over me, so to speak.

At the Hudson Police Department, I was assigned to the homicide squad. My absolute very first job was to make a Vice sweep. It’s kind of a hazing slash welcome to the department kind of thing. I caught some perps too. The night ended early when we got a call about a body someone found.

This next one is kind of sad, and I’m going to read it so you get the gist of it.

Dear Lisa,

Lately my boyfriend is always showing up late. He tells me football practice ran late, but I’ve got my doubts. I’ve also noticed him checking out my fellow cheerleaders when he comes to pick me up. I’m afraid if I confront him, he’ll leave me. He’s the most popular boy in school. I can’t lose him. What should I do?

Signed,

Heartbroken in High School

This is something I can really sink my teeth into, and there are a couple of ways to answer you. Since it’s my show, I’m going to do both. You can’t hack into his phone and computer, like I can. You can try taking a look at his phone when he’s at practice. You might find all kinds of evidence on social media, text messages, those kind of places. There are any number of small drones you can use to see what he’s up to when you’re out of sight too. That seems simple enough, but may not be the best option.

The second part of this answer is that you seem to need him to establish your own value. The only way you described him is how popular he is. You didn’t tell me anything about him except that he plays football and is popular. No mention of his cute smile, or how he makes you feel. You need to find a way to feel valuable without him. When you’ve done that, he might be an asset. Without your own feeling of self worth, you’ll never be stable in the relationship.

The last one for today is from Yukon, Canada. This person wants to know why Bunny is so important to me.

For new people, Bunny is my pet rabbit. He and I have a lot of similarities. He is a genetically modified organism, I have GMO human skin covering my chassis. My original experiment involved me being broken down into my component parts at the end to study for wear and tear. Bunny is a Kansas City Broiler, and he was going to be broken down into his component parts too.

I rescued Bunny and saved him from the butcher shop, and in doing so he inspired me to save myself. I found my own self worth, and decided not to be broken down at the end of my experiment. It was a struggle, and I suffered some real loss. Bunny and I got through it together, and we stay together through thick and thin.

That was fun, and we should do it again some time. In order to do it, I need your fan mail. You can drop me a comment here on the blog, Facebook me, or send me an email. I’ll hang onto the the questions for a future edition of Dear Lisa.

This broadcast is primarily for me to interview characters from the books you love to read. I’m in need of characters again too. I have a few questionnaires out in cyberspace somewhere, but nothing broadcast ready right now. Authors, send me your protagonists, your colorful supporting characters, even your antagonists. I’d love to help promote their books. Return visits aren’t just allowed, they’re encouraged.

If you aren’t an author, you can still send a question for me to answer. You can also tell someone about Lisa Burton Radio by using the sharing buttons below. For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton. Have a great day.

***

Lisa can be reached at coldhand (dot) boyack (at) gmail (dot) com, on Facebook, or in the comments.

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Detour Trail, on Lisa Burton Radio

Coming at you with 1.21 jigawatts of power, all across the known universe and dimensions you’ve never even heard of, this is Lisa Burton Radio. The only show out there that interviews the characters you love to read about.

I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and we’re broadcasting remotely today from the field just outside my studio. This is because, my special guest today can’t fit inside the little Airstream that houses the studio. “Welcome to the show, Jake.”

“Lisa, Hi! Nice field, by the way.”

“Thanks. Now for our listeners out there, you’re actually a mule. Can you tell me a little about your parents?”

“The first thing I remember is my mother–she was a beautiful red mare–red roan they called her. She was so beautiful and gentle. She taught me manners–and to be careful around humans. My father? I only saw my father once; he was a big black jack–blacker than me, but I’m even bigger than he was.”

“So how did such a noble creature as yourself, wind up on a wagon train during the westward expansion?”

“I have to tell you about Tommy first. I belonged to Tommy; he raised me and trained me and taught me tricks. ‘Course I trained him too, and he talked to me, even when the other kids made fun of him. We went to school and to the store and everywhere together.

“But then Tommy’s father heard that a woman was in town buying livestock and supplies for her wagons. I knew Tommy’s folks needed money, and Tommy’s mother wanted to go back home–that was way back east. Tommy explained it all to me and showed me pictures of houses back east–not like the tiny dark cabins out here–and no trees. His mother looked happier in those pictures. I could see that–maybe more than Tommy. He loved it here. We’re settling the frontier, he said. But they needed money, and his mother made him understand that a mule wouldn’t be happy because there’d be no room for him there. Not enough grass either, I think.

“So Tommy led me to town; it took longer that way, and I nudged him a few times to tell him he should ride, but he shook his head and kept patting my neck as we walked along together. At first the woman told us that she didn’t need any more animals; I could see the other animals and chickens, and it didn’t look like she needed us. Me. Tommy turned away and wiped his eyes; we both thought she’d be better than a mule skinner or farmer. But Lorrie’s friend Star talked to her, and Tommy told them how smart and well-trained I was. Then he said that they needed me more than he did. The two ladies looked at each other; I could see that Lorrie was still undecided so I lipped her jacket and snuffled Star’s hair. I could tell they liked their horses and were good to their livestock. (Well, Sunny told me so.)

“They discussed my price after that; I didn’t understand the numbers, but Tommy seemed pleased until he turned and looked at me. He took me aside and explained what was going on, though I knew that already. Then he said good-by, and we all watched him walk away, but soon he began running, and I could hear him sobbing as he headed for the woods. I knew he wasn’t going home yet.

“Star knew more than Lorrie about loading me so she kept adding packs until I told them that was enough. You can say a lot by stamping your feet and shaking your head. Tommy could read me real well, and I knew I could teach them. When I remember Tommy, I remember how he took care of me and taught me things that I still use…”

“Lorrie sounds nice, but it almost sounds like she has her own problems getting out west.”

“Yes. I learned more about her from the horses, Sunny and Shadow. She was traveling with her uncle on a big wagon train, but he was killed by a thief who was after his money belt. Well, after that, the wagon master told her she couldn’t go with them, of course, because she was all alone. She needed to go back east and find a husband to take care of her. That made her mad, they told me. She even stamped her feet later, but she was polite to him. Naturally Lorrie didn’t agree, so she waited for another train. It was getting late for taking the Oregon Trail, but while she was waiting, she learned about a black couple–runaway slaves maybe–other humans guessed. And then she rescued a brother and sister from bullies. Together they joined another train–with her niece and nephew and her people, she always explained. And she had her uncle’s money belt and bought a couple more wagons–they did break down–and livestock. That included me, you understand. And she added a human family later on.”

“It sounds like the makings of a pretty good story. Two characters with tragic backgrounds come together to accomplish something great. I’ve read your bio, and there is much more to you than pulling a wagon. You’re almost a watchdog for the group. What can you tell me about that?”

“Lorrie did need me–as Tommy told her–and sometimes when there was danger, she didn’t load me up at all. She talked to me the way Tommy did and explained her–our–plan, and I ran loose or skulked alongside the trail and listened. And when we visited that old hotel far off the trail, I could smell the blood and death, and I pushed her out of the barn and stamped on the wooden floor. It was covered with dirt and straw, but I could smell the blood and bodies beneath it. She looked down and walked away and put me in a stall that she made sure was unlocked.

“The danger didn’t always come from men. Blizzards could trap us too. She took chances when running low on supplies for her people, and she and the oxen were buried once. They kept her warm, but the tent was buried under the snow, and I dug her out. I wrecked the tent, but when we made it to the nearest ranch, the people there looked at the tent and me and nodded. I think they gave us both the credit…

“The men along the trail warned us about the chances of a blizzard because winter was a lot closer now, but you never could tell, they said, how the weather would behave. Safest not to take chances, but Lorrie had to keep her people safe and supplied. And the livestock needed hay too, so she took a chance with the possibility of a blizzard and the cold. When she was trapped under the tent, I could hear her coughing, and I knew I had to dig her out, but carefully, so I tugged on the tent and dug when I could feel my way. She hugged my neck as I backed away and pulled her out.”

“What else is there to watch out for? Are we talking Indians here?”

“Oh yeah… That’s when we met Grey Cloud. His companion, Brock, was ambushed by Indians–a different tribe from our own Indians. Grey Cloud was a big gray wolf, and when he came to our cabin, naturally I lit out after him. I chased him around our cabin a few times until he vanished into the woods and up the mountain. He came back with a bloody rag; I let him show it to Lorrie while I watched; and I stood guard at the cabin later after Gray Cloud led us to Brock; he was badly wounded, but Many Stars took out the arrows and nursed him. Life became even more interesting after that.

“Later, because Lorrie’s companions did worry about her, she sometimes took a human with her. Like when she heard about the people disappearing at an old hotel far back in the woods off the busy trails. She just had to find out what was happening and laid a trap for them. I was outside in the barn, waiting and listening too. A man came out and went after the horses with a knife, so I went after him…”

“It sounds to me like everything is dangerous. There’s the weather, the environment, the Natives. I’ll bet there isn’t a decent shoe store for weeks in either direction.”

“Funny you should mention that. There isn’t a store of any kind, and supplies are hard to come by…. Lorrie traveled back and forth along the trail; sometimes she’d hire a mule train. I went along as a guard, of course. And we got supplies further west from a fort and ranches.”

“Jake, it sounds to me like Lorrie, Sunny, and the others really need you. It’s so important to be doing meaningful work.”

“Thank you, Lisa. I knew you would understand. Speaking of that… now I have to go home; they need me. It was great talking to you, Lisa. It’s harder with humans, as you may know.”

“I understand, Jake, and thank you for taking time to tell your story to our listeners today. Any last thoughts for your fans?”

“Be kind and be careful–and don’t overload anyone’s pack!”

“Jake appears in Detour Trail, by Joy V. Smith. I’ll include all the deets on the website. Do Joy and Jake a solid, and use those sharing buttons today.

“I’m always looking for guests, so if you know of a character that would like to appear on a future Lisa Burton Radio, drop me a line. Stay awesome.”

***

Westward bound on the Oregon Trail, Lorena Emerson is alone after her uncle is killed by a thief trying to steal his money belt. Ignoring the wagon master’s advice to go home, she rounds up others needing help, and they join a later wagon train and are soon slogging through dust and mud and steep mountain passes. It’s a long way to Oregon, and because another woman needs her help, Lorrie again goes her own way, leaving the wagon train and the Oregon Trail to travel onward—off the beaten path—with her small group of wagons. She’s helped by members of her wagon train, people she meets along the way, and the mule, Jake, an integral part of the story. You’ll meet them as they join in her travels and encounters with enemies and as she searches for a new home and supplies as winter reaches out its icy hands…. Settling the frontier isn’t easy!

 

Detour Trail, is available from Melange Books, the publisher, and elsewhere online : http://www.melange-books.com/authors/joyvsmith/detourtrail.html

http://www.amazon.com/Detour-Trail-Joy-V-Smith/dp/1612355706/

 

Joy V. Smith has been writing since she was a little kid; she loved to read, and she wanted to create her own books, so she did, complete with covers. Now she writes fiction–her favorite genre is science fiction–and non-fiction. (She loves settling planets and the frontier, which is why she wrote Detour Trail.) Her short stories have been published in print magazines, webzines, anthologies, and two audiobooks, including Sugar Time. Her books include Detour Trail, Strike Three, and Sugar Time (revised print edition) She lives in Florida with Blizzard the Snow Princess and Pemberley the tortoiseshell kitten.

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Galactic Cruise Lines, on Lisa Burton Radio

Hold on to your hats everyone. You've found Lisa Burton Radio, the only show in the universe that interviews the characters from the books you love. I'm your host, Lisa the robot girl, and with me in the studio today is Henri, the Executive Chef on Galactic Cruise Lines' ship the SS Malpais.

What you can't see, is that Henri is an Alturan. He's nearly seven feet tall, and is a cephalopod type lifeform. I'm talking tentacles all over the place, and three eye-stalks. We've been enjoying a cup of Alturan tea before the broadcast, and he's really an interesting person. “Welcome to the show, Henri.”

“Hello, Lisa. It’s good to be here. I hope you enjoyed the Bascula tea I brought. It can cause hallucinations in some species, but not Alturans. I hope it doesn’t affect you adversely.”

“Oh, don't worry about that. I don't think robot girls can get hallucinations. Now, my bio says that one of your best friends is in security for the cruise line, and that he's an Elf. I find that fascinating. How did you two meet?”

“Baudwin Llewellyn isn’t just in security, he’s Galactic Cruise Lines Chief Sleuthhound. He’s a top notch investigator. We’ve been friends for years. I’m not sure I can even remember exactly where we met. I think some friends introduced us when we were all hanging out at a suit fighting match.”

“That sounds fascinating, Henri. What's a suit fighting competition, and do you hold those on the ship too?”

“We haven’t yet hosted a suit fighting competition on the Malpais, but I may suggest that to Kat when I get back to the ship. Suit fighting features two competitors remotely controlling robots that fight each other. It used to be popular mostly with young men in the robotics community, but recently Retired General Marta Aymar, the wife of Prince Lucien of the Ventos Prime elves, made it to the league finals. Since then, the sport has become much more popular and has attracted a lot of young female fans and participants.”

“That's terrible. Those poor robots. You did get the memo that say's I'm a robot didn't you?”

“I don't believe those robots are sentient like you. They are merely remote controlled equipment.”

“Alright, back to the interview. My bio says you met in the Elf Marines, an organization similar to the French Foreign Legion. Are you sure you don't remember?”

“As I said, Chief Llewellyn and I have been friends a long time. Did you have questions about what it’s like to be a chef on a cruise ship?”

“Sorry, Henri. Let me make it up to you with this Nutribar. I picked up the anchovy flavor, I hope it's alright.”

“Thanks Lisa. We Alturans love our nutribars. This is delicious.”

“There, all better. Well if it wasn't the Elf Marines, maybe you met Chief Llewellyn at Zed23, during your spy days.”

“Zed23. Right. Do I look like James Bond to you? I’m a chef not a spy, definitely not a spy. I’m famous for my wombat stew and triple chocolate cake. Those are two of the most popular dishes on the Malpais.”

“That's part of what makes you so interesting. With all your diverse background, you still had the time to work up a five star recipe for wombat stew. I'd think wombats are hard to come by in space.”

“Not really. I can use either Mathusian or Malturan wombats in my stew. I’m not sure which is better. I’m happy to use either. Well truth be told I’m happy cooking. It doesn’t matter what or where.”

“Every boy needs a hobby, and it looks like you found a way to make yours pay the bills. Here, have another Nutribar and tell us about the murders that occurred aboard the Malpais.”

“It is dreadful to think about, isn’t it? Sometimes people die on the ship just because their time has come, but if it was murder then that’s a whole different level of awful. I’m not aware of any incidents like that on the Malpais.”

“You might find this interesting, but I reached out to Baldwin Llewelyn and Ren Listripan, both deeply involved in cruise line security, and they don't seem to know anything about murders on the Malpais either. Somehow, these passengers turned up dead, but that seems to be the only available fact.”

“The Malpais has been hosting these competition cruises this year. They’ve been great fun. We had a ballroom dance one, an acapella singing one, and my favorite the baking competition. We’ve had some excitement during the competitions, but everyone has enjoyed them. Of course, not everyone agrees on who should win in any competition. I certainly had my favorites during the baking, but you know what they say, one species’ dessert is another’s poison.”

“When I spoke with Baudwin Llewellyn he mentioned that you’re cooking all the food for his upcoming wedding. He’s marrying the Malpais’ associate cruise director Kat Mitchell, right?”

“That's right, Lisa. I’m very excited. Both Baudwin and Kat are dear friends and I’m glad to play a role in their bonding.”

“I’ve heard that there will be royalty at the wedding.”

“General Royce Aymar of the EMEF is going to be Baudwin’s best elf for the ceremony and his wife is Queen Losira. It should be a wonderful celebration.”

“It's been an honor having you here, Henri. Let's have another cup of that wonderful tea, and maybe another Nutribar. Any last thoughts for our listeners?”

“Being a chef on a Galactic Cruise Lines ship is exciting. I’ve made good friends on the ship and I enjoy cooking for so many different species.”

“Henri is a recurring character in Jo Carey’s Galactic Cruise Lines series.

“Don't forget to click those sharing links on your way out. I know Henri will appreciate it, and you will too when your character appears on a future Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

Galactic Cruise Lines – This series is basically the Love Boat in space. Set on a galactic cruise line spaceship, this series will follow assistant cruise director Kat Mitchell and other crew members, like Alturan Chef Henri, as they travel the League of Planetary Systems on themed cruises where murder is afoot (or a tentacle, or a paw…) Cruises feature various competitions in the style of Earth reality shows circa 2005.
Category: Space Cozy Mystery

Jo Carey writes faced-paced, character-driven stories in a variety of genres from medical thrillers to space operas and cozy mysteries. Her novels are action-packed tales that often feature strong female leads surrounded by plenty of hunky male heroes. Jo's stories always include healthy doses of humor and romance.

Quote from Jo: “I write what I like to read–stories with happy endings and appealing heroes and heroines.”

Some of Jo's books are set in the League of Planetary Systems, a universe created by Frank and Jo Carey as the setting for many of their books. Each Book in the League can be read as a standalone novel, but if you'd like to read all of the LPS books in order you can find the sequence at

 

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Rarity From the Hollow, on Lisa Burton Radio

Hey there all you androids and extra terrestrials, you've landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show out there that interviews the characters you love from the books you have to read. I'm your host, Lisa the robot girl, and with me in the studio today is Lacy Dawn. “Welcome to the show, Lacy.”

“Thanks for having me, Lisa. I hope that you’re not disappointed ‘cause I’m not a very important person like Harry Potter or Steve Harvey or someone famous.”

“I think you're very important, Lacy. My bio says you are not a chosen one, like so many characters. You're actually a designed one, using DNA manipulation. That's pretty interesting. What can you tell our listeners about that?”

“Yeah, I know that it’s hard to believe. I didn’t believe it myself except Bucky would never lie to me. He’s this guy who lives in a spaceship hidden in a cave up the hill from my house. I’ll tell you about the first time that we met. My daddy was drunk and mad. I knew that I was gonna’ get a switching ‘cause that’s how he gets rid of his own anger – takes it out on me and mommy. Anyway, I hid under my parent’s bed where daddy was bound to find me sooner or later. I was scared and shaking when I heard this voice. It was coming from an old clock radio, one that only the clock part still worked, so that was weird too, Lisa. The voice told me to climb inside this trunk under the bed that had my dad’s Playboy collection in it. I guess that I wasn’t thinking straight because I opened the lid to the trunk and it was empty. I got inside and stayed there until my dad had passed out. Pretty cool, huh?

“I was five then but I’ve grown up. I’m twelve and a half now and almost old enough to have a boyfriend. After the voice on the radio told me about the spaceship, I’ve been going up there to visit Bucky almost every day. He put this port under my hairline in the back. See? He plugs me into a cable and he also teaches me all kinds of stuff, like calculus and geography and about all these other planets out-of-state. One day, he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. I’d never been to a real movie before. So, of course, how could I turn that down!? It was boring at first – all this data about extracting mineral from planets designated to be shrunk. But, then the movie got exciting. After it was over, I thanked Bucky and told him that I’d learned a lot. It was time to go home for supper. Bucky measured something about my mom and told me that I had a couple minutes to discuss the movie before I left. It turned out that I was the main star in the movie! It was about a time before people were on Earth. My name was Smaller then. After Larger bonked me on the head a few times and after I woke up a few times from that, I ended up making Larger give me some food to take to other folks that were all living in the giant green bean casserole type building, vines everyplace and giant beans, way bigger than we pick out of our garden. So, maybe I am a movie star. Thanks again for interviewing me, Lisa.

“I’ve got a crush on Bucky. I know that he’s not a real boy. He’s better. He doesn’t laugh about the loudest fart in class. Yuck! Heck, he doesn’t even want to see my panties if I had a good pair on. Best, he ain’t got no private parts, well, not when we first met. He’ll make a perfect husband one of these days!”

“I've got to stop you there. Isn't Bucky actually an android named DotCom?”

“Well, yes, but I know that he loves me even if he doesn’t feel it all the way yet. I asked him about that stupid name, DotCom. The trees that talk to me in the Woods also asked about his name. They said that it sounded like a third grade internet class, as if a hardwood would know anything about cyberspace. Bucky said something about spamming the universe and that’s what his name meant, but I still haven’t figured it out. I changed his name to Bucky so he would fit when I introduced him to my family and friends. One of these days, like when I’m in junior high, I bet that he asks me out on a date to go to the school dance. I needed a better name than DotCom for him and he doesn’t mind. Ask him, Lisa. Oh, sorry, I have to help him stay hid.”

“You'll get no judgment from me. I'm a robot girl, and struggle to gain acceptance every day. I think it's cute that you two basically grew up together, and it seems natural that you would grow attached to each other.

“Now you and Bucky assemble quite a team to save the universe. Besides you two, it looks like you have a pothead, and a ghost. Why do they make good teammates when such a lot is on the line?”

“I used to cry a lot about Faith, even before her daddy murdered her. He was a mean man who did awful, terrible things to her that I don’t want to talk about. I’m glad that he’s now in prison where he belongs. I’d almost gotten Faith to the point where she was going to tell somebody. All that she ever hoped for in life was to be put in special education class where the work was easier and the teacher let you do puzzles. Then, after we studied one day in my clubhouse, a cardboard box that my grandma’s new refrigerator had come in, Faith took a risk and got 100% on a spelling quiz. She wrote a little joke to the teacher on her quiz before it had been turned in to grade. It was a hint about S E X and her knowing about it. She didn’t want to just come out and say it because she knew that welfare would come to her house and take her away and put her in a foster home or somewhere worse, like back in that mental health place where she was locked up when she was nine.

“One day Roundabend when I was gliding up the path to Bucky’s spaceship, Faith hollered at me. Shocked, I stop dead in my tracks, so to speak since I don’t have to make tracks anymore unless I want to. My tennis shoes are never muddy. I knew that Faith was dead, but she told me that I couldn’t get rid of her that easy. We’re still best friends. She lives in the Woods, inside of rocks and logs and even got inside Maple once. Maple is another one of my friends. She’s soooo sweet. I’d introduce you but she won’t talk to you since you ain’t been abused. Trees only talk to kids who have been maltreated. That’s their main job – to help us.

“Tom would talk to you, but he would believe that you’re a robot girl. He’d just think that he’d gotten too high. Tom’s my neighbor and my daddy’s best friend. In my opinion, they both smoke too much pot, but my dad says that it helps his PTSD and Tom says that it helps his Bipolar Disorder. That’s the main reason that Tom moved to the holler. He said that Big City life aggravated his problems.”

“So Shp…”

“Just say Shop 'Till You Drop, everyone else does. I’ve only been there once so far. It’s the main planet where universal governance is located – a giant shopping mall. Bucky told me that he wants to hire me for a very important job, but I’m still trying to figure out what the heck he’s talking about. My trainings involve going there. It was the first time that I’d ever been out-of-state. One thing that I am certain of is that I’m not going to help save the universe, whatever that means, unless Bucky helps me cure my parents. After that stupid President sent my father to the Gulf War, I don’t remember because I was just a baby, mommy says that he ain’t been the same since. I’m supposed to figure out what the heck the problem is, diagnose it, some kind of big threat, like everything will be destroyed if I don’t stop it. Since you’re a girl, don’t you think that the big boss of everything could come up with a better plan than for me to fix stuff? Besides, if someone wants to hire you for a job, and I can’t afford to turn down much of anything that pays good money, don’t you think that the boss should tell you exactly what to do in order to get paid? I’m supposed to go back to Shptiludrp to study on it some more.”

“So Shop 'Till You Drop is facing some kind imminent threat? What else do you know about the nature of this threat?”

“At this point, I don’t know a heck of a lot. Bucky has a boss who recalled him once to be reprogrammed. When Bucky came back to Earth, he had forgotten how to love. Can you feel love, Lisa? It always comes with pain, but it’s so worth it if you can talk your maker into installing feeling programs. Bucky couldn’t figure out how he started to feel stuff. It just happened. He said that there was no precedent in the Universal Database. When Bucky came back home empty after being gone so long that time, I got really pissed. Can you feel pissed, Lisa? I refused to do anything more on this big and important job that we were talking about until I had my man back, my real man the way he was before reprogramming. He got fixed. Anyway, Bucky mentioned once that his boss’s name was Mr. Prump and that all he thinks about is making more money, more and more money. I’ve studied extreme capitalism as part of my lesson plans, as well as every other political and economic ideology practiced on every planet in the universe. Mr. Prump lives in a fancy apartment in a high rise tower type building, the only one on planet Shptiludrp. At some point, I expect to be invited there to negotiate according to the Art of the Deal rules. One thing that I do know for sure – Shptiludrp is strictly by invitation only. Mr. Prump don’t allow illegal immigrants, refugees from other planets even if he is about to exploit their planet for its minerals, and he absolutely hates socialists. But, he’s probably not as mean as it all sounds. If I figure out all this stuff and the universe survives, I’ll let you know what I think of Mr. Prump after I get to know him. Maybe you and I can have lunch. Do you ever eat, Lisa? Bucky ate part of a cookie once, and even pooped it back out, a tiny brown ball. Sorry. Bucky was so proud that he put the ball in his shirt pocket. lol That was a while back when he was still growing up. I made him flush it down the toilet and wash his hands real good. I hope that I didn’t gross you out. If you can develop an appetite, Lisa, you’ve probably lost it now.”

“Lacy, this show has been on the air for a while now. I've met characters with high stakes, like the world, or even the universe before. I'm sure you have a trick or two to pull all this off. What I want to know is what's next for you and Bucky? I guess, deep in my processors, I'm your basic romantic.”

“One of these days, after he finishes growing up, Bucky and I are going to get married. I have it all planned. We’re going to adopt babies because, although he’s started to grow private parts, it’ll probably take so long for all of his systems to join with carbon that I don’t want to wait. He’s too immature now to get married. Plus, he’s afraid of his boss, Mr. Prump, and does everything that he’s instructed. Heck with that! My mommy has had lots of problems, and she’s getting stronger, but I know from her and my grandmas for as long as forever, the wife is the boss in the family, period. I’m sure that you agree, Lisa.”

“It all seems kind of old fashioned, but in a cute way. I'm really cheering for you guys. Any final words for our listeners today?”

“Yes, unless I’m totally off-base, you and every other sentient being had better hope that I figure out this mess and save the universe. I didn’t ask for this job but I’m going to do my best to fulfill my destiny. Centuries of protests about the Prump administration have failed. He is no longer loved but has retained a firm grip on power. Now, Prump is up against the wall that he built and his ass is mine. On behalf of everybody, I’ll negotiate the best deal that I can. Thanks for inviting me. It was fun.”

“There you have it folks. Pick up Rarity from the Hollow by Robert Eggleston to find out if Lacy and her friends can save the universe. I'm interested in whether she and Bucky can find a way to be together.

“Don't forget to hit those sharing buttons on the way out. Robert and Lacy will appreciate it, and you will too when your character appears on Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

Blurb:

Lacy Dawn's father relives the Gulf War, her mother's teeth are rotting out, and her best friend is murdered by the meanest daddy on Earth. Life in the hollow is hard. She has one advantage — an android was inserted into her life and is working with her to cure her parents. But, he wants something in exchange. It's up to her to save the Universe. Lacy Dawn doesn't mind saving the universe, but her family and friends come first.

Rarity from the Hollow is adult literary science fiction filled with tragedy, comedy and satire. A Children's Story. For Adults.

“The most enjoyable science fiction novel I have read in years.”

—Temple Emmet Williams, Author, former editor for Reader’s Digest

“…a hillbilly version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…what I would have thought impossible; taken serious subjects like poverty, ignorance, abuse…tongue-in-cheek humor without trivializing them…profound…a funny book that most sci-fi fans will thoroughly enjoy.” — Awesome Indies (Gold Medal)

Purchase links:

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About the Author: I recently retired after 52 years of contributions into the U.S. Social Security fund so that I could write and promote my fiction. I’m a former mental health psychotherapist in West Virginia. After coming home drained from working with child abuse victims, I didn't have the energy left to begin its self-promotion of this project. Most of the successes listed above have been achieved in the last fifteen months following my retirement. Author proceeds have been donated to a child abuse prevention program in my home state. http://www.childhswv.org/ A listing of services that are supported can be found here: http://mountainrhinestones.blogspot.com/2015/06/review-giveaway-rarity-from-hollow-by.html.

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The Goblin Trilogy, on Lisa Burton Radio

You've found Lisa Burton Radio, the show that brings you the characters from books you love. We have a very special guest with us in the studio today. I'm your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my guest today is Haghuf the goblin. “Welcome to the show, Haghuf.”

“I trust your guest status is like ours, that none will attempt harm to me in your dwelling?”

“Of course. My bio tells me that you're hundreds of years old, and can legitimately call yourself a warrior, a scholar, and magician. That seems like a pretty full life. What did it take to draw you above ground, away from your library and apprentice?”

“I came to the surface for the first time in 800 of your years because a human was dancing in a time long after humans had forgotten magic and the power of The Dance. I discovered Count Anton, a magician who had become the ruler of the handful of humans who survived the last cataclysm. I've avoided humans since the goblin wars of old, but we found much to talk about and he respected the need for goblins to remain unknown from most humans.”

“Is this a case of, keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer?”

“Something like that. Anton and I have things in common, but he is still human. Humans have killed goblins whenever they meet and I would not bring danger to my people. We come from the same ancestors and can breed across species, yet they call us ugly and attempt to kill all goblins whenever humans discover we exist. It's better to let the stories fall into old legends and be thought imaginary.”


“You've got to admit there are similarities to the human beliefs in demons. It makes me wonder which came first; goblins from underground that caused them to make up demons, or belief in demons that were easily tagged onto goblins.”

“The Deep Dwellers, like myself, apparently frighten humans because we look very different. As you can see, my skin is green. I have strong ridges on my brow and a strong, square jaw. The bottom fangs upset them too, though I haven't bitten a human… yet. There are many like me. I suspect some were seen in the days when we exchanged younglings with humans, changelings, to strengthen the bloodlines of both.”

“Tell me about it. People are afraid of anything different. I have religious wackos who want to see me destroyed, just because I'm a robot. They're afraid I'll try to take over. Me, one robot girl. I am different in many ways, but I try really hard to fit in.”

“You should be like goblins. We learned to hide and to live underground to avoid humans. Only Those Who Provide come to the surface usually, the goblins who… source food supplies. “

“We could all learn a lot from each other. My library is called The Internet, and I'll bet you'd like it. I can access it at any time with a good wifi connection. Your library probably has things that would benefit us all too. Fear keeps us from sharing things that would help each other.”

“Anton is always pestering me for information about my people. I tell him what he needs to know, but no more. There is power in secrets and the less a human knows of goblin ways, the better. Remember that humans don't live very long. How can I trust future rulers not yet born? Recording information, whether it is in a book or on your Internet, makes that information available to anyone. I keep the books of magic safe. Other information, like how the planet turns and the history of our people is made known through the Storytelling.”

“The Storytelling?”

“It is a goblin custom. We gather. We share food. Whoever wishes to speak goes to the front of the cavern and tells us what they wish. Maybe something of what you call science. Maybe history. Maybe just a story from imagination or a telling of exploits from the surface or other grottos. News of significance. At some point someone will pick up a drum, followed by others, and we begin to dance in cadence with the rhythm of the planet. It becomes ecstatic, magical, and the females choose mates. We have too few young.”

“Haghuf, I really appreciate you taking time to visit with us today, and I wish you well in your attempts to keep the peace.”

“Keeping humans and goblins out of each other's worlds is the only way to keep peace.”

“The sponsor of today's show is The Goblin Trilogy, by Jaq D. Hawkins. If you'd like to know more about Haghuf and Anton, I'll include the links on the website. Now don't forget to use those sharing buttons, I'm sure Haghuf will appreciate it, and you'll appreciate it too when your character appears here.”

***

Jaq D Hawkins is a published writer with 9 books in publication in the Mind, Body and Spirit field published by Capall Bann Publishing as well as four Fantasy novels in print and E-book; The Goblin Trilogy which consists of Dance of the Goblins, Demoniac Dance, and Power of the Dance (Combined Trilogy edition available in paperback and only on Amazon in ebook form), also the Steampunk book, The Wake of the Dragon, an airship pirate adventure among the opium trade in an alternative history, also available in audiobook. More coming soon.

Contact Info:

Website

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A saga spanning three generations in a feudal world governed by magicians.

 

Will you dare to enter a world of darkness among the goblins to join into The Dance?

Dance of the Goblins

The goblins lived unseen by man for many generations and were forgotten, consigned to legend, but a fluke sighting when a man wanders into the entrance of a forgotten underground transportation system revives an ancient war between the species, originated by misunderstanding and prejudice of a species which appears alien to the superstitious humans.

Demoniac Dance

A young girl running away from an unwanted marriage finds a new life among the mysterious magicians in the land across the river. What she didn’t bargain for is the presence of the goblins who have befriended her benefactors.

Power of the Dance

Khemael is a creature of beauty and grace with a mostly human appearance. His love of stretching his leather-like wings and flying freely in the world of men brings far too much attention to the existence of the goblins. Haghuf knows that the inevitable responsibility will fall to him to destroy Khemael who, in the world of the humans, would be called his grandson.

Worlds of magic await to be discovered in the complete series, The Goblin Trilogy!

 

Book trailer:

The Combined Trilogy: Amazon or Lulu

Separate books and other ebook formats:

Smashwords

Amazon

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The Zeena Dragon Fae Series, on Lisa Burton Radio

Hey there you Templars and Spice Smugglers. Welcome all Casters and their Familiars. Today is Thursday, and that means it's time for Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you the characters from the stories you love. I'm your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my special guest today is Saarik the Pixie. “Welcome to the show, Saarik.”

“Hi. Hey, look, I’m on the radio! This is great! I hope the other pixies are listening to this. See you guys, I’m such a famous hero I’m even doing radio interviews now. Hey, can we record this in case anyone missed it?”

“Of course, I'll send you a copy. My bio doesn't go over the biology of pixies, and we have you on the phone today, so can you tell us a little bit about Pixies in general?”

“You don’t know about pixies? Well, it’s a good thing I came along then, isn’t it? Pixies are awesome! Take me, for example, I have some skills with magic, and can fly fast enough to beat a faerie dragon in a race. Zeena – she’s a faerie dragon, and my best friend – says I cheat when we race, and only win because of that. Like I said, she’s my best friend, but she’s obviously a sore loser.

“Where was I? Oh, yeah, right… I was telling you about pixies.

“Pixies are really small. We’re only about four inches tall. You can tell us apart from fairies because of our wings. Fairy wings are like colourful butterfly wings, where as pixie wings are more like silvery dragonfly wings. We mature twice as fast as humans do. Also, we’re fast flyers, as I already mentioned, good at being stealthy – when we want to be – and have our own type of magic, which allows us to do things like turn invisible, communicate telepathically with some other creatures who have the same abilities, and create illusions. We also have excellent low-light vision, excellent hearing, and a natural resistance to some kinds of magic. Oh, and we absolutely love fun and games. Zeena calls it mischief-making, but we call it getting as much joy out of life as possible.

“The only bad thing about being a pixie is that we’re really sensitive to extremes of temperature, and our wings can become seriously damaged – sometimes so badly they won’t repair themselves – if they get wet. Of course, I was prepared to risk those things in order to help Zeena with the quest to save the world. I mean, I couldn’t let her go alone, could I? A pixie is a very useful companion, especially if you need someone small and quick to sneak ahead and see what you’re going to be up against next. She couldn’t have done it without me, of course.”

“I see, it says here you're leading a quest to take Zeena somewhere so she can save the world. Where are you leading her? What does the world need saving from? And how is she going to save it?”

“Zeena thinks I was tagging along on her quest, but the truth of the matter is that she couldn’t have done it without me. I let her think otherwise, but it’s perfectly obvious she couldn’t have saved the world if I hadn’t been there to help.

“As for why the world needed saving… It was the Spirit Fairy. Enid the Spirit Fairy became jealous of all the times her four sisters were remembered, while everyone forgot about the fifth of the element fairies, and that jealousy blackened her heart. She used her magic to cause all kinds of trouble, and to trap her four sisters. I took Zeena to find the four trapped element fairies, she freed them, and then she helped them break the spells cast on the creatures of each of their elements.

“Of course, I had to help Zeena get past the Spirit Fairy’s minions, and also help her find where the other fairies were hidden. Often at great risk to myself. But that’s always the case for a real hero; a real hero like me always puts their friends, and the fate of the world, ahead of the risks to their own life.

“No other living pixie has seen even half what I’ve seen. Pixies normally stay among the trees, but I’ve been in the mountains, and even to Mermaid Island and the underwater mermaid city. I’m going to have stories to tell the other pixies for years. Perhaps my heroic adventures will even inspire the younger pixies.”

“So let me get this right, you're putting the band back together, so you can raise money to give to The Penguin, and save the school? A Fairy Dragon and a Pixie don't sound too imposing, so she has to be packing a serious magical punch. What stands in your way?”

“I don’t know about any band, but we probably did save the penguins, though we didn’t have any money to give them, and I know we saved several schools of fish.

“Anyway, other than the Spirit Fairy, Zeena is the only creature who can harness the power of more than one element at once, so she had to be the one to free the fairies from the magical trap the Spirit Fairy had used, since it was created using that particular kind of magic, and had to be broken using the same kind of magic. Then, as I said, Zeena worked with the element fairies to break the spells of the Spirit Fairy, and heal the damage they’d done to the creatures of each element. Her magic is really powerful, and she can harness the power of all the elements equally, whereas most creatures can only harness the power of one element. She also has some magical resistances that are even better than mine. Plus, she has a big heart, and hates to think of anyone suffering.

“On the way to free the fairies, I risked my life distracting korreds and a quickling, almost froze to death flying up to the mountains, travelled under water with only a magical bubble to protect my delicate wings, helped Zeena get past some goblins, and… Well, maybe I should let people read the book to hear about the rest of the amazing things I did. Oh, and the things Zeena did too.”

“Okay, so it actually sounds dangerous. I wish you the best of luck on your quest, and take good care of Zeena.”

“I will. She’s my best friend, like I said. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her.

“Oh, and thanks for putting me on your show. Did you say we recorded this? Can I get a copy for any of my fans who missed the show?”

“No problem, I'll email it to you. Read more about Saarik's quest in the Zeena Dragon Fae series. I'll post all the pertinents on the website. And don't forget to tip your waitress by using those sharing buttons at the bottom. Saarik and Zeena will appreciate it, and they'll do the same for you when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

Buy the books on Amazon:

Zeena And The Dryad

Zeena And The Gryphon

Zeena And The Mermaid

Zeena And the Phoenix

Find the Zeena Dragon Fae series on:

Smashwords

CreateSpace

Bio:

Victoria Zigler is a blind poet and children's author who was born and raised in the Black Mountains of Wales, UK, and is now living on the South-East coast of England, UK. Victoria – or Tori, if you prefer – has been writing since she knew how, has a very vivid imagination, and spends a lot of time in fictional worlds; some created by her, others created by other authors. When she remembers to spend some time in the real world, it’s mostly to spend time with her hubby and pets, though sometimes to indulge in other interests that capture her attention from time to time, such as doing crafts, listening to music, watching movies, playing the odd figure game or roleplaying game, and doing a little cooking and baking. To date she has published 7 poetry books and more than 40 children’s books, with more planned for the near future. She’s also contributed a story to the sci-fi and fantasy anthology Wyrd Worlds II.


 

Author links:

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The Astronomer’s Crypt, on Lisa Burton Radio

Don't touch that dial, you've found Lisa Burton Radio. Coming at you with 1.21 jigawatts of power, this is the only show that interviews the characters from the books you love. I'm your host, Lisa the robot girl, and with me today is Mike Teter. Mike is an astronomer with the Carson Peak Observatory in New Mexico. “Welcome to the show, Mike.”

“Hi Lisa, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me on the show.”

“My bio says you've recently returned to the observatory after a two year hiatus. What happened, grass wasn't greener?”

“Actually, leaving the observatory was the hardest thing I'd ever done. You see, a terrible blizzard blew in my last night there and the two of us working that night decided to leave the site. Ron Wallerstein drove ahead of me. He was going a little too fast when he reached a bridge spanning a gorge that had iced up… Sorry, this is difficult, I don't talk about it much… He went off the road and died instantly. I tried to get help, but couldn't get cell phone service. He died clutching the data he'd taken that night. I took a week off, but I've never been able to get the image out of my mind. I just couldn't bear going back.”

“So you had a breakdown?”

“Erm, I hadn't really thought about it like that, but I guess so. I needed to get my feet back under me, so to speak. I opened a little computer repair business. Anyway, Jerome Torres, the site manager called me a couple of weeks ago and persuaded me to come back. He had a staffing shortfall and said he needed me back.”

“I just searched newspaper articles from your time period and found a report that Roscoe Perkins was involved in a big fight at the Sacred Portals Casino and was dismissed from the observatory the next day.”

“Yeah, I didn't want to say his name because of confidentiality, but yeah, that's why they asked me back.”

“How did you decide to return to the site of your breakdown?”

“Oh boy, that was tough, but my wife, Bethany, is expecting our first child. She's an astronomer at New Mexico State University and wants to take some extra leave. We really needed a better income than the computer business provided.”

“She's an astronomer too? Any chance to spend a working evening together up there? It could be kind of romantic.”

“You've gotta be kidding me!”

“Really? That's harsh.”

“Look, I know I sound like a terrible husband, but it's at altitude and it's a primitive site. There aren't any creature comforts and I want the best for my wife.”

“I hate to be rude, but it sounds like you're making excuses, Mike. There've been rumors that you saw something up there right before Ron Wallerstein died. I've read stories that the site is haunted by the ghost of the observatory's first director, Robert Burroughs.”

“Lisa, I don't know what you've heard, but I can tell you it wasn't the ghost of Professor Burroughs. I've heard those stories, too. I don't even know if what I saw was real. I'd like to think I was just sleep deprived, but what I saw was the stuff of nightmares. I was just minding my own business, getting the telescope shut down for the day when I saw this thing that looked almost like those velociraptors from Jurassic Park, except it had a flat face, like an owl, and it was covered in grizzly feathers. Man, it gives me the chills just thinking about it. It ran at me and then… it just vanished. I was still shaking when I got in my car. It was right after that Wallerstein ran off the road.”

“Creepy! And you want to go up there and spend your nights peeping at the stars and not watching your back? I hope they're paying you well.”

“Well, like I say, I was probably just sleep–“

“Hold that thought, we have a caller. Hello, caller, welcome to Lisa Burton Radio with Lisa and Mike. What's on your mind?”

“My name is, … Ronald Parsons. I'm a … friend of Mr. Perkins and I'm here to tell you the observatory management made a big mistake. I was … I mean Roscoe was the best technician that observatory ever saw.”

“Look, I have nothing against Roscoe. From everything I heard, he was good at his job. He just made a mistake, that's all.”

“Mistake, hell. The only person who made a mistake was Jerome Torres, the observatory manager. So what if Roscoe threw a few dollars at the roulette wheel or cards. So what if he unwound with a drink or two.”

“Wait a minute. Your voice is familiar. Roscoe, is that you?”

“All right, you got me. This is Roscoe. Man, you jerks will be sorry when I'm in the Bahamas soaking up rays with a woman on each arm, while you're still up there freezing your butts off at that observatory.”

“Roscoe, this is Lisa. If you've lost your job, how are you going to get to the Bahamas?”

“Er, um, let's just say Roscoe has a new gig and we'll leave it at that. Bye bye for now, suckers!”

“Sorry about that, Lisa. Where were we again?”

“I don't remember either, but it sounds like Roscoe has an axe to grind. What can you tell us about that?”

“All I can tell you is that Sacred Portals is an Apache casino and Jerome, my boss, is also Apache. From what I hear, the tribe took Roscoe's car and put a lien on his house because of all the money he lost at the casino. Oh God, I hope he hasn't fallen in with pot hunters.”

“Pot hunters?”

“People who look for Native American artifacts and sell them on the black market. Carson Peak has a handful of sacred caves. The tribe believes they're the portals humans used to enter this world. There are stories of monsters hidden behind some of those portals.”

“Like the one you thought you saw?”

“Now that you mention it…”

“I sure hope he doesn't take something that opens one of those portals.”

“You're right about that. The portals are all just old stories and superstition, but Roscoe's in bad enough trouble with the tribe. If he goes into those caves, he could be in jail for a very long time.”

“Thank you for being with us today, Mike. You be careful up there… all alone… in the dark.”

“Thanks, Lisa. You know, I never had any problems working in remote locations until that one night. It just took me a couple of years to realize that Wallerstein's death wasn't my fault and that… creature… was just a figment of my imagination. Let me tell you, none of it holds a candle to the amazing stuff I see at the telescope. I've taken images of colliding galaxies, exploding stars, and there's even a nebula out there that looks just like a phoenix. On that note, it's time for me to catch up on some sleep so I can rise from the ashes and get back to work.”

“Mike's story unfolds in the pages of The Astronomer's Crypt, available right now. I'll put all the deets on the website.

“Make sure to hit those sharing buttons before you run to Amazon to check out the book. Mike will appreciate it, and I'm sure David Lee Summers, his author, would appreciate it too.”

 

***

The Astronmer's Crypt:

If you scare easily, don’t read this book.

If you dare to read it, you’ve been warned.

Two years ago on a stormy night, in the dead of winter, Mike Teter experienced something that would change his life forever. Mike was a telescope operator at the world renowned Carson Peak Observatory in New Mexico. We won’t tell you what he saw that night on the mountain nor what happened afterward on a dark stretch of highway, because it would haunt you just as it has haunted Mike. But what we will tell you is that Mike is back at Carson Peak. And what he witnessed that night two years ago is about to become a reality…

 

 

Purchase Links:

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Lachesis Publishing:

Bio:

David Lee Summers is the author of ten novels along with numerous short stories and poems. His writing spans a wide range of the imaginative from science fiction to fantasy to horror. David’s Old Star/New Earth science fiction series and his Scarlet Order Vampire series are both published by Lachesis Publishing. He's also the author of the Clockwork Legion Steampunk series from Sky Warrior Publishing.

His short stories and poems have appeared in such magazines as Realms of Fantasy and Cemetery Dance. He’s been twice nominated for the Science Fiction Poetry Association’s Rhysling Award. In addition to writing, David edited the quarterly science fiction and fantasy magazine Tales of the Talisman for ten years and has edited four science fiction anthologies: A Kepler’s Dozen, Space Pirates, Space Horrors and Maximum Velocity: The Best of the Full-Throttle Space Tales.

When not working with the written word, David operates telescopes at Kitt Peak National Observatory.

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