Category Archives: Lisa Burton Radio

Lisa Burton Radio

War of Nytefall, Rivalry on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Hey there, all you night-stalkers and day-walkers. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio. The only show that brings you interviews with characters from the books you love.

I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my special guest today is Mab. Mab is a new kind of vampire called a Dawn Fang. I know what that is, but our listeners might not. “Welcome to the show, Mab. Let’s start with the Dawn Fangs.”

“Thanks for having me. Although, I admit that I’m not comfortable being so exposed. Dawn Fangs are a new breed of vampire in Windemere. There are a lot of differences such as us having a heartbeat, being able to eat regular food, and not being able to use magic. We still have abilities, but their closer to natural talents than spells. The biggest change, and what causes a lot of trouble, is that Dawn Fangs don’t lose their powers in sunlight. Your world believes vampires get destroyed by the sun, but in Windemere, they used to only grow very weak. It’s pretty handy, but it does come with some complications.”

“It sounds to me like you’re missing the old ways. Would you rather return to the days of vampire one-point-oh?”

“Yes and no. Don’t get me wrong because I really like my new abilities and I get to work with Clyde again. Been decades since we were running our small gang. It’s the situation that I’m not a big fan of right now. I expected him to come back and we’d go back to taking whatever we wanted. Now, he has to think about the future of the Dawn Fangs and that doesn’t leave much time for the fun stuff. I mean, he’s turning out to be a pretty good ruler, but I’m not really sure where I fit in.”

“Sounds like we need to talk about Clyde. You two had a relationship once.”

“Long ago, Clyde and I were partners in crime then partners in everything else. It was love and respect that kept us together. Honestly, us being romantic partners wasn’t that different than anything else. Just more kissing and bed antics. Felt like a natural progression to what we already had. Feel like an idiot being so clinical here. That was a long time ago. Then I caught him in bed with Chastity who had used her magic to look like me in an attempt to help our relationship. That caused a lot of fighting and nearly broke the gang up, but Clyde and I managed to settle things.”

“My bio says Chastity was trying to help you. Seems like an odd way to help, but vampires are a bit different.”

“Vampires are different, but we were all mortal at some point. Even after centuries, most of us remember the emotions that once controlled our actions. As angry as I was at Chastity, I can’t say I was innocent. I went to her for help in spicing up my love life and made a joke about her impersonating me to do the things I didn’t feel comfortable doing. She thought that was a request and tried to help. Chastity and I get along now, but I did try to fight her a lot after that incident. Never won because she’s a master of charm magic, which she’s gotten better at since becoming a Dawn Fang. One spell and I do whatever she wants because I just cannot find a way around that. It’s pretty frustrating.”

“Keep fighting, I suppose. Besides, I don’t think robot girls can be charmed out of their pants. Not that way, anyhow.”

“Like I said, we got over it. Immortality means you really shouldn’t hold grudges, especially when you might have to work with the other person. Chastity is still a great source of information and, now that I can eat real food, she runs a popular bakery. I mean, the Scrumptious Siren has other things like the bar and brothel, but I’m a sucker for chocolate. Not like she charges me . . . or knows I snatch things from the shadows.

“Besides, we all took Clyde’s disappearance pretty badly. There was an event in my world called the Great Cataclysm, which changed the face of Windemere. Clyde had been swallowed up by the ground along with a city dedicated to the Durag the Sun God. Took me fifty years to get permission to look for him since we had a war going on in the aftermath and everyone else thought he was dead. I was the only one who thought he was still alive. Although, I didn’t realize what I was unleashing when I went to free him. To be fair, he was just waiting for me to turn up before he busted out and slaughtered a lot of Duragians before they could kill me.

“How do I explain this? Clyde came back very different. He’s the first Dawn Fang, so he turned all of us. It was an accident with me, but everyone else drank his blood willingly. Chastity was the first actually, which made it hard to keep hating her. When you think there’s only three of your kind, you tend to reconsider your issues with them. I wish that was the extent of the complications that my life would take. Should have seen what was coming, especially since being a Dawn Fang meant our old way of life was long over.”

“How so, Mab?”

“It’s hard to remain a carefree thief when you’re involved in politics and a civil war. Our enemies don’t really like that we exist because they think we’re going to try to wipe them out first. Well, Clyde is probably going to do that out of spite, but they really should have tried to leave us alone. It hurts to have old friends now be enemies and not being able to go back to your old home. We all worked out of the city of Nyte, but we can’t step foot in there without a battle. Then, the womb-born showed up and that threw a new wrinkle into our lives. Who would have thought Dawn Fangs could get pregnant and give birth to actual children? Once we got through that mess, this Vampire Queen steps out of rumors that are a couple centuries old and takes Clyde away. We have no idea where he is. I only have a vague idea of who and if that harpy is calling herself a Queen then I’m a friggin’ Goddess.”

“Sounds like you need to bail him out – again.”

“I can’t let someone have Clyde when they don’t deserve him . . . I mean, he’s my partner and I refuse to let him down. The biggest challenge is finding the Vampire Queen’s hideout and then it’s all about battling our way there. She’s going to make it difficult since we’ve heard that she has an army of assassins and followers. Clyde should be able to hold out until I can get there, but it’s going to take time. I have the ability to travel through shadows, all of which are connected by this monster-filled void. Only problem is that I need to know where I’m going and that requires time. A lot of time. Why couldn’t that idiot just punch and murder his way out of trouble instead of leaving me to save his ass? Strongest of the Dawn Fangs and he gets himself kidnapped without a trace. He better have a good reason for putting me through all this worrying and anger.”

“Will you use some of the Vengeance Hounds to help out?”

“My friends are definitely onboard. Doesn’t matter if I want them to stay behind. The Vampire Queen took one of our enemies too, so we have to work with a few of them. That whole enemy of my enemy is my friend. There’s going to be some friction, especially between those who never got along in the first place. I’m not really in the mood to play peacekeeper, so they better settle things themselves. Too much trouble and I’m leaving all of them behind. My brother can lecture me about teamwork and how I can’t take on an entire army by myself when I get back. Not like I have to fight since I can just sneak in, grab Clyde, and get out. That is unless the Vampire Queen is expecting that. Guess having a team does mean I can focus on saving Clyde instead of wasting time with everything else.”

“While it all seems pretty complicated, it sounds to me like you’re going to dive back in. I’m a sucker for a good love story, even if it’s kind of sick and twisted. I wish you all the possible luck, and I’m sure our listeners do too.”

“Love story? What do you mean love story? I didn’t say I was still in love with Clyde. We’re partners and protect each other. I’m sure he would be just as angry and worried if I was the one kidnapped. Love is a pretty strong word anyway and comes with a lot of weight to it. No, Lost, that isn’t the signal to stop! Don’t you dare cut off your psychic powers before I can-”

“You can read all about Mab and Clyde in the War of Nytefall series by Charles Yallowitz. The newest book is called War of Nytefall: Rivalry. I’ll post all the pertinents online after I log off.

“Charles has always been a great supporter of this broadcast. I don’t believe there is a single episode he didn’t reblog, tweet, and share somehow. Let’s return some of that support today and share my interview with Mab all across the internet. If your character appeared on Lisa Burton Radio, Charles was there for you.

“For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton.”

***

Blurb-

Seeking the pleasure of revenge, an ancient rumor will reveal herself to be a deadly legend.

Lurking within the shadows for centuries, the Vampire Queen has been drawn to the conflict that surrounds Clyde. Only whispers have been spread about this elusive figure, who has amassed a kingdom that can rival Nyte and Nytefall. All that she is missing is the strongest vampire to crown as her king. In one fell swoop, she has taken the most powerful of her kind, including Clyde and Xavier Tempest. Hosting a tournament where the rules seem to change at her whim, the Vampire Queen threatens to shatter the already strained world that lurks beneath Windemere’s surface. Yet, there is more to her desires, which seep from a soul that is pulsing with fury. For her kingdom can never be complete until she holds the head of the one who wronged her centuries ago.

Can Mab stand against her ancient rival and save her beloved partner?

Sales link-  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07QHLW76N/

 

Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After spending many years fiddling with his thoughts and notebooks, he decided that it was time to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house with only pizza and seltzer to sustain him, Charles brings you tales from the world of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you and drawing you into a world of magic.

Blog: www.legendsofwindemere.com

Twitter: @cyallowitz

Facebook: Charles Yallowitz
Website: www.charleseyallowitz.com

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The Fondant Five, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Don’t touch that dial! You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you characters from the books you love. Today might be one of the sweetest shows we’ve ever had, and I mean that literally. “Please give a warm welcome to my special guest, the fondant lion.”

“Thank you, Lisa, I am so happy to be here, I feel a roar coming on. RRRROOOOAAAARRRR!”

“I know you are famous for your thick mane. Is it thicker because you live in the zoo?”

“Yes, that is likely. I don’t live in just any zoo, I live in the Chocolate Land zoo and it is a special place. All the fondant animals that live here are very happy and we receive excellent care from Sir Chocolate and his helpers. One of our favourite meals is Sir Chocolate’s famous custard. He makes it for us in an enormous pot. I can assure you it does not last long once it is made.

“I have lots of friends in the zoo and they treat me with respect. I am the King of the Jungle in the wild and the animals here all recognize that and let me take the lead on decisions regarding the zoo. I am better off than my brother who lives in the Kruger National Park in South Africa. He doesn’t always get as well fed as I do and sometimes, he has to fight other animals to defend his pride of fifteen other lions. It can be a hard life living in the wild especially when there are wild fires or droughts that destroy the vegetation. Finding food and water can be difficult at those times.

“The one thing I don’t have that my brother does is a wife. I have friends but I am lonely for female companionship of my own kind. I would like to have a family too. Lots so cute little fondant lion cubs running around would be wonderful.”

“Aww, poor guy. Maybe Sir Chocolate can find a wife to live with you.”

“It’s a good life here in the zoo. I get to meet lots of people and children. Sometimes we get to visit a school and that is great fun. During our school visits we teach parents, teachers and children about the benefits of creative art. Sir Chocolate brings fondant along for the children to play with and they learn how to make all sorts of fun figurines and other things out of it. Fondant is fabulous stuff, it is like play dough, but you can eat it. It is stretchy and elastic, and you can mould it easily into shapes. One of the children made a fondant hippo and she came to live with us in the zoo after the fruit drop fairies gave her life with their magic sugar dust.

“Our school visits are not always to demonstrate fondant art, sometimes we teach the children about baking. Sir Chocolate says that baking is very beneficial for children. It helps them develop hand-eye co-ordination, bilateral co-ordination, strengthens their little hands and helps them improve their planning and maths skills. As the King of the Jungle, I am proud of being part of something so useful to children and their teachers and parents.

“All of our books include five fun recipes for children to do with their teachers, parents or grandparents. The children love making the recipes and it is a nice way for parents and grandparents to bond with their children and occupy them doing something beneficial and entertaining. It is hard to complete with television and computers, but baking does. The kids love it!

“I do have one complaint, Lisa. I don’t have a recipe in Sir Chocolate and the Fondant Five. There are five recipes. Sir Chocolate, Lady Sweet, buffalo and rhino all got a recipe, and even cheetah, and he isn’t even a big five animal. I didn’t get one and I think I should have but never mind. Perhaps I will get my own recipe in another book or on Robbie and Michael’s baking blog, Bake and Write.”

“Fondant sounds amazing.”

“You know what isn’t amazing? Royal icing. That stuff is like concrete.”

“Interesting. I would think the King of the Jungle would demand nothing less than the royal variety.”

“Well, Lisa, royal icing does taste rather amazing and it is very useful stuff. Sir Chocolate uses it to glue his chocolate and gingerbread houses together and, boy, does it stick. My friends and I had a bad experience with it in our book. We were kidnapped by the Wedding Cake Elves and taken to the home of the Chocolate Giant. His daughter was getting married and the giant had asked the elves to make her a wedding cake with an African theme. She specifically wanted the big five animals. They are lazy little fellows, so they decided to kidnap my friends and I rather than make their own fondant animals for the cake. Fortunately, they only took the fondant five, that is Rhino, Leopard, Buffalo, Elephant and me. A few of our friends were left behind in the zoo.

“We were dragged out of cages one night and made to march towards the Chocolate Chip Hills which is where the giant lives. When we arrived, the elves set about making a delicious tiered wedding cake and then …. [gulp] … they attached us to the cake with royal icing. It was a terrible feeling, Lisa, to be attached to a cake by your paws so that we couldn’t move about. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. The only redeeming factor is that the elves were smart enough to put me on the top of the cake. That is right for the King of the Jungle.”

“Kidnapping is bad. What did you do?”

“We couldn’t do anything, Lisa, glued to the cake with that terrible icing. Sir Chocolate saved us, he is a kind and generous man and would do anything for his friends. He discovered from the fondant giraffe and monkey what had happened during the night and he came to find us. Along the way he met up with the wily fondant cat who also wanted to help so the four of them arrived at the castle to implement a rescue.

“From our position on the cake on the table we could see Sir Chocolate’s rescue plan unfold, Lisa. It was really ingenious how he used each animals’ talents and special features, like the giraffe’s long neck, to rescue us. If I had a hat, I would take it off to Sir Chocolate.

“We all got away and went back to our lovely and peaceful life at the zoo. It turned out that Sir Chocolate knows the giant and he told him about those naughty elves and they were suitably punished for their laziness.

“Chocolate Land is an amazing place. Everything is edible from the trees to the houses and there are lots of amazing creatures and people who live here. I hope you will come and visit us at the Chocolate Land zoo and share our latest adventure. You will like it so much here that you will want to find out about all of Sir Chocolate and Lady Sweet’s other adventures too.”

“You can learn all about the Fondant Lion and the rest of the Fondant Five in the book Sir Chocolate and the Fondant Five, by Robbie Cheadle and Michael Cheadle. This is a children’s book, and you get a bunch of extra stuff out of it too. There are recipes for children and their parents to make together. We should have made a fondant Lisa Burton and had me visit Chocolate Land. That would be fun one day. Anyhooo, this is an amazing series for children and their parents or grandparents. Any of the books are enjoyable, but the one on display today is Sir Chocolate and the Fondant Five.

“We’ve presented Chocolate Land on this show before. Robbie and Sir Chocolate would hit those sharing buttons for you, so won’t you please give them a bit of love today? For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton.”

***

Robbie, short for Roberta, is an author with five published children’s picture books in the Sir Chocolate books series for children aged 2 to 9 years old (co-authored with her son, Michael Cheadle), one published middle grade book in the Silly Willy series and one published preteen/young adult fictionalised biography about her mother’s life as a young girl growing up in an English town in Suffolk during World War II called While the Bombs Fell (co-authored with her mother, Elsie Hancy Eaton). All of Robbie’s children’s book are written under Robbie Cheadle and are published by TSL Publications. 

Robbie has recently branched into adult horror and supernatural writing and, in order to clearly differential her children’s books from her adult writing, these will be published under Roberta Eaton Cheadle. Robbie has two short stories in the horror/supernatural genre included in Dark Visions, a collection of 34 short stories by 27 different authors and edited by award winning author, Dan Alatorre. These short stories are published under Robbie Cheadle.

Robbie has also recently published a poetry collection, Open a new door, together with fellow South African poet, Kim Blades.

You can find Robbie at her website: https://bakeandwrite.co.za/https://bakeandwrite.co.za/

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Fluffy’s Revolution, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Don’t touch that dial! You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you interviews with characters from the books you love. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and I’m reaching into the future to the year 2135, and my very special guest is Fluffy the cat. “Welcome to the show, Fluffy.”

“Thank you very much, Lisa! I’m not used to this kind of attention.”

“Does this mean cats eventually take over the world?”

“Oh no! We don’t want to take over anything. What do you think we are, humans? Well, let me start from the beginning. It’s kind of a long story. I’m what is called a GAB cat. That stands for Genetically Altered Brain. And it’s not just cats, it’s dogs, mice, and the occasional pig. See, way back in 2015, some scientists injected elements of human DNA into the brains of some unborn mice. When the mice were born, their brains were twelve percent larger than the normal mouse brain. Then, these same guys started also experimenting on cats, dogs, and pigs. What they didn’t anticipate was that, when two GAB animals mated, their offspring would come out exponentially smarter than their parents. Over many generations, our brains changed but our bodies didn’t, so we developed certain powers to compensate. Since our tongues and palates were the wrong shape to form words, we learned how to talk to each other telepathically. Since we didn’t have opposable thumbs to grasp objects, we developed the ability to move objects with our minds—telekinesis.”

“Cats, dogs, and mice are born in litters, so are there more out there like you?”

“Today, in 2135, about a third of all the mice, dogs and cats, and about an eighth of all the pigs on Earth are GABs. Since the world is controlled by three giant corporations, and just about all the jobs were taken by robots (hey, you fit right in, Lisa!), people were not happy. They were poor and hungry. So, the corporations gave them something to hate and fear—us! They started rounding up and exterminating us. I guess, like you, they were afraid we were going to take over the world. But we just wanted to make the world better. But now I’m getting ahead of myself.

“See, I spent the first five years of my life living with my dad—er—my human. His name is Professor James Riordan, a very smart and kind human. He brought me up, loved, and educated me, just like I was his real child. But I kept getting these psychic distress signals from my lost brother, Jack. He was the runt of the litter and never got adopted. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to go out there and find him.”

“So, you left the comfort of your penthouse to try helping your brother. That’s a pretty noble act. Were the streets anything like you expected?”

“Well, my dad tried to talk me out of it. He told me what a terrible world it was out there, especially for GAB animals. But nothing could have prepared me for how scary it really was. I almost got sucked up by an Animal Control truck, almost got run over by a car, almost got eaten by a dog, jumped into the back of a truck, and wound up in a warehouse that was the hideout for a group of animal revolutionaries: a brilliant mouse named Hacker, his wife, Mitzi, a sweet dog named Fang—she turned out to be a girl dog—and a young boy cat named Tigger. They also had three human helpers: Rudy, Giuseppe, and Janet. Everybody was really nice, once I got them to trust me. I was very mad about all the exterminations, so I joined up with them.”

“So, they’re exterminating cute cuddly animals, including animals that are as intelligent as humans?”

“Afraid so, Lisa… Especially animals that are as intelligent as humans. So Hacker planned a raid on the big extermination center that was pretty nearby. Their plan was to free all the animals and then blow the place up, killing the people who worked in there, but I talked them out of that part. See, my dad taught me that humans are the most violent species on Earth, that we shouldn’t try to match them in violence, because we would lose. Instead, we decided to knock the people out with some stuff called Livion. Anyway, we managed to get all the animals out, and, guess what, I found Jack in the extermination chamber, about to be killed, and got him out too. Everything went according to plan until Janet decided on her own to blow the place up.”

“Who’s Janet again?”

“Janet was one of our human helpers, and it turned out that she harbored secrets that made our fur stand on end.”

“Where did you go?”

“Well, we loaded all the freed animals into big trucks and took them back to our hideout. The plan was to smuggle them and ourselves, disguised as robopets—Epsilon’s line of new robot animals, up into the mountains. See, I’d heard of a secret university up there for GABs called Animal U.”

“Why would a university be any safer than your hideout?”

“Because our hideout was right there in the city, and the cops and the Animal Control people and Epps and his minions had ways of detecting us in there. But no one knew about Animal U. It was hidden in a valley that wasn’t even on maps. Anyway, Janet blowing up the extermination center put the kibosh on our trip to the mountains. They closed in on us with killer drones, guns, and bombs. They blew the place to smithereens. Most of the animals were killed. Somehow, I and a few others were able to escape. Making my way on foot up into the mountains by myself was no picnic, I can tell you that. I was kidnapped by bad people and almost killed by coyotes, but somehow, I made it to Animal U. Amazingly, my dad was able to find me there and we were reunited.”

“Wait, the penthouse guy? Aww, he must really love his kitty to find you there.”

“Stop! I’m on the verge of purring. The professor has discovered a problem, and he hopes our genetically altered brains can help him find a solution. We hope so too because it could mean the end of the planet.”

“Oh, my gosh! What kind of dangers are you facing?”

“A killer asteroid is headed directly for Earth. We only have thirty days to come up with a solution or we’re all catnip.”

“I wish you all the luck possible, Fluffy, and I’m sure our listeners do too. Do you have any closing remarks for us today?”

“Yes. Remember, animals are your friends, people. Also, look both ways before crossing a road, stay away from mean dogs, mean people, and coyotes, and, most important: love trumps hate!”

“You can learn all about Fluffy and her friends by picking up the book, Fluffy’s Revolution, by Ted Myers. I’ll post all the deets on the website after we go off the air today.

“This program only runs when we have guests. I’m here for you authors out there, but I can’t keep going without guests, so let me hear from you.

“Please don’t forget to use those sharing buttons today. I’m sure Ted and Fluffy would do it for you when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

.The year is 2135 and the world is controlled by three mega-corporations. With thirty days before a giant asteroid hits Earth, it’s up to a few good humans and a group of GAB (Genetically Altered Brain) animals, led by Fluffy, to fix the situation before all humanity and the animal world perish. Can Fluffy and her crew save Earth from certain destruction and learn the key to the GABs’ survival? Can Fluffy and her kind answer hatred with love and show humanity what it truly means to be human?

This unique and tender story takes place in the future but begins with genetic experiments that are taking place right now.

Fluffy is a super-intelligent GAB (Genetically Altered Brain) cat. Like many of her brethren―dogs, cats, mice, and the occasional pig―her brain is the product of genetic tinkering by humans that started more than a century ago. Because they need a scapegoat, the corporate oligarchs who rule the world have labeled GAB animals terrorists and have begun to systematically capture and exterminate them. Fluffy, compelled by psychic distress signals from her lost brother, leaves the safety of her home to look for him and joins a band of animal revolutionaries. With their powers of telekinesis, the animals can manipulate physical objects without being able to grasp them. With their powers of telepathy, they can speak to each other without audible voices. After a series of brushes with death, Fluffy and her friends find a secret university for GAB animals called Animal U and that’s when they find out about the asteroid…

Pick up your copy at the following locations:

Book website:

https://fluffysrevolution.com/

 

http://www.blackrosewriting.com/sci-fifantasy/fluffysrevolution

For a 15% discount before March 28, use promo code PREORDER2019

 

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/2T8QjiZ

 

Barnes & Noble:

https://bit.ly/2CGX7xB

 

About the Author:

After twenty years trembling on the brink of rock stardom and fifteen years working at record companies, Ted Myers left the music business (or perhaps it was the other way around) and took a job as a copywriter at an advertising agency. This cemented his determination to make his mark as an author. Ted’s nonfiction has appeared in Working Musicians (Harper Collins), By the Time We Got to Woodstock: The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Revolution of 1969 (Backbeat Books) and Popular Music and Society. His epic and amusing memoir, Making It: Music, Sex & Drugs in the Golden Age of Rock (Calumet Editions) was published in 2017. His fiction has appeared online and in print in many anthologies and literary magazines.

You can find Ted at the following places:

Amazon Author Page:

https://amzn.to/2RJM2CD

 

B&N Author Page:

https://bit.ly/2DDizVN

 

Goodreads Author Page:

https://www.goodreads.com/Ted_Myers

 

Bookbub Author Page:

https://www.bookbub.com/authors/ted-myers

 

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/ted.myers.56

 

Twitter:

https://twitter.com/TedMyersAuthor or @TedMyersAuthor

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Truth and the Serpent, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Welcome to this week’s edition of Lisa Burton Radio. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl. They say fame is fleeting, but is it really? What if you were involved in something so nefarious that your legend held on for centuries, eternity even? We’re not taking flavor-of-the-month on some reality show, or a public meltdown by some YouTube sensation. This is the big time. Let’s give a warm welcome to this week’s special guest the Serpent, and I mean the Serpent. “Welcome to the show.”

“Thank you for having me, Robo-Girl! And I must say, it’s a pleasure being with you. And to be clear, you’re not an animatronic puppet are you? I’d hate to find out, that I’ve been having a conversation with a hairy old man hiding behind a curtain …”

“Nope, one-hundred percent robot girl here. The only hairy old man around here is working on something else today. Let’s dive right into it, shall we? You were involved in certainly the first, and possibly the biggest con-job in history. There are a lot of concepts about it, from myth to absolute fact and everyone thinks they’re right. We’d like to hear it in your own words.

“Interesting choice of words … but calling it a con, may be off putting too some of your listeners.

“You see I do not feel that humanity fully appreciates the gravity of what transpired. Technically speaking, if the events in Eden didn’t occur, humanity wouldn’t exist in its present form! So … You’re welcome! I mean really when you get down to it, what did I really do? Hmm? I gave a woman a choice … truly an unforgivable sin! To open one’s eyes is a dangerous thing. As the saying goes … I was blind, but now I SSSSSee!”

“So let’s clarify something for our listeners. You are not the devil, are you?”

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! They really do give me too much credit! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haa! But, my goodness, NO!”

“So were you working for him, or someone else?”

“I don’t get paid to go coiling about, and happening across the dislikes of humanity if that’s what you mean. I am as the Creator hath made me … Serpent is the name of my game! It took some centuries, but I’ve come to understand my station in life, but even more so… to embrace it.

“You see, the way things are, is the way they have always been. What I would like to convey to your listeners is not to judge a book by its cover. And to remember that everything has a purpose. Therefore, to acknowledge Good is to acknowledge Evil. To love the light is to embrace the darkness. Thus nothing alive is without its inevitable end. And what could be more truthful, more absolute than every man’s own impending death.

“Let me put it another way. These days, nobody wants to take responsibility for their own actions. Everything is someone else’s fault. Here’s your chance to set the story straight.”

“Exactly, my dear! And I do appreciate you being so straightforward. But in all honesty, I have no intention of misleading man or woman kind. You see, good and evil are twin brother and sister, and are only differentiated by mere points of view. My motivation in life is simply to move humanity from one state to the next… bliss and ignorance into living and knowing.

“It’s an endless cycle of birth and rebirth, the ending of one existence and the transitioning into another. Only the ignorant would see that as Evil. If that is not the greatest cosmic joke then I don’t know what is.”

“So what’s a serpent to do after something like that? Did you make it into something like a celebrity status, kind of like a spot on Hollywood Squares? Did you become more of a recluse and avoid the spotlight?”

“I suppose those theologians would like you to believe that I just disappeared into the pages of history and lore, but I am ever present. And to belabor the point, there were three of us in Eden, but only two were cast out of the Garden… and I was not! I am free to move about any and all of the realms.

“I have lived to see the effects of that fateful encounter. From the earliest of human civilization where serpents were worshiped in cults, then to symbols of respect and protection. Mankind was never bashful of taking our gifts and using our venom for the first medicines. Then somewhere in time the feminine race became aligned with serpents and misleading all men into sin. What silliness, I must say.

“After Eden, I saw the first sons of men, who were bestowed with knowledge over the lands, only to betray each other in murderous rage. Then how the Creator saw fit to wash them all of humanity away. But like a cockroach humanity clung to life and spawned and spread again. Then came a King who towered above his fellow man only to mock the Creator, and how history speaks of him in a thousand tongues. Centuries of bondage and backsliding, and the multitudes of judges and redeemers sent to lead man with stone written law. I have traveled the entirety of the earth, and I learned my purpose in life after eons. And I can tell you good and evil are not defining traits, therefore human scientists can cease with trying to isolate an Evil chromosome. I prefer the balance of truth as opposed to the squabbling of morality. But woe to mankind, as he is slow to remember and quick to forget!

“But I have found a sort of peace in my life, and these days, I try to catch up on my reading. I have planned to pen a few novels, but they’ve mostly stalled during editing. I have many hobbies, but studying humanity is definitely my favorite.

“It’s quite interesting to have observed a thing literally from its conception, and even now as I look out at them I laugh. Such over confident, super civilized, backward facing, bipedal primates. Ha! Humans are exactly as they have always been; a bunch of naked, frightened, silly little things, hiding from their own shame.”

“That’s about all the time we have today. Any final thoughts for our listeners?”

“Please understand, humanity has the powers of creation and destruction within them, it’s just a matter of growing into their full potential. The whole matter is only food for thought, and is irrelevant for me to judge good and evil from my plane of observation. You see, I am not confined by mortal rules and laws.

“I am a predator and predation is part of my natural being. Now that I think about it… it reminds me of a very disappointing book I read once… Of Mice and men.”

“Of Mice and men, by John Steinbeck, was a complete waste of time?”

“Terrible! Cover to cover … not one good recipe!”

“You can learn about the Serpent in more depth by reading the book Truth and the Serpent, by J. Rutledge. I’ll post the links and such online after I go off the air.

“Let’s all remember to use those sharing buttons today, too. I don’t know how he pushes the buttons, but the Serpent promised me he would do it for you, when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.

***

2018 NewApple E-Book Awards: RELIGION / SPIRITUALITY  OFFICIAL SELECTION

What if you encountered a dark and sinister character of not so subtle reputation? One whose origins are the very meaning of temptation and sin.

What do we really know of creation, myth, and belief? There was a Man, a Woman, a Garden, and of course… a Serpent. Yet, what we have come to know as temptation, and mortal sin are only one side of the story. You see, three sinned, and three were punished, but only two were expelled from the Garden, but afterwards…what happened to the Serpent?

A present day man finds himself eye to eye with the infamous Serpent of curse and ruin. The Serpent who characteristically makes the man an offer to learn not just what happened, but why.

A tale unlike any other, where the fall of man is not weighed on a scale of good or evil, but in truth and lies. The Serpent whose intellect, sarcasm, and wit cultivates over time as he appraises the history of man and religious lore. The Serpent who is also on a journey of self-discovery to learn the meaning of that ill-fated encounter and the purpose of his own life.

Come to know the unsung story of one who lived through creation, survived the great deluge, witnessed a mass exodus, and the rise and fall of exalted kings of men. Could such a tale, as told by a forked tongue, be the end of lies, and the beginning… of the truth.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1541235487

Bio:  Writing stories has always been a passion of mine that I rarely shared with others. As a child, I was often frustrated with the stories and characters I was presented with. I then began creating my own stories, and rewriting others with new endings or plot twists that I felt were lacking. As a learned man, I have always found myself asking more in depth questions, and seeking out different meanings than my peers. Over the years, I have come to embrace that obtuseness about myself, and now I let it drive me. It was that same sense of curiosity and need for a deeper meaning that led me to creating Truth and The Serpent, my first full length novel. My goal as a writer is to generate intriguing, positive, and challenging ideas, while leaving the reader with plenty to chew on in anticipation of the next story.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/writerJRutledge

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WriterJ.Rutledge/

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Paying the Bills, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Hi everyone, and welcome to this week’s edition of Lisa Burton Radio. Just me this week for several reasons. The main one is that I didn’t want to stick a guest during the week between the holidays.

Still, Christmas is over, and mine was wonderful. Bunny and I hung out at the writing cabin, and it was nice and quiet.

Speaking of Christmas, what did you get? I know this crowd, and every one of you got an Amazon gift card. You’re all readers and writers, don’t deny it. After you finish your purchases, there is likely to be a bit left over, and that’s what I want to talk about today.

Craig is my author. Officially, it’s C. S. Boyack, but we all just call him Craig. See, he writes books too. His are all ebooks, so you’ll need a Kindle or one of the apps to read them.

He has a lot of titles these days, so I won’t break them all down. There are novels, collections of short stories, one group of short stories that tells an over-arching tale, and even a couple of free anthologies he’s appeared in.

Craig lives in the world of speculative fiction, so you’ll find fantasy, paranormal, and science fiction among his titles. Sometimes more than one in the same book.

2018 was a fair publishing schedule. Craig released a novel and his first novella. Call it whatever you like, but it’s 50,000 words or so. We don’t like novelette or some of the other designations.

The first one is a novel called The Yak Guy Project. This one is about a rotten young man who wakes up in the desert with no idea how he got there. He’s rescued by a talking yak, and taken on an adventure that provides quite a bit of room for personal growth.

Let’s face it, the guy had a lot of room for personal growth. Know what I mean? Think of it like a coming of age story for a new generation. You can pick up your copy for $2.99. There’s bound to be that much left on your Amazon card.

This is the one that follows the Major Arcana of the Tarot if that appeals to you. You don’t have to understand it to enjoy the ride. If you do, it might be interesting to try spotting the places where a card is represented.

The next one is called The Hat. This is the shorter one I mentioned. You can actually read it in a long afternoon. It’s about a girl who crosses paths with an old hat. Only this isn’t really a hat. He’s a being from another dimension trapped in the form of a hat for all eternity.

They are worlds apart, so they argue a lot. She’s twenty-one, and he’s been in a box for twenty years. He missed cell phones, the Internet, and most of the daily technology we have today.

These guys are both pretty capable, but together they form a symbiosis that let’s them do even more. Think of them like paranormal superheroes, and they’re on the trail of some nefarious baby snatchers.

It seems like a lot of story, and it is. But you can pick up your copy for 99¢. That’s it, 99¢. Come on, you know you got free shipping on your Amazon Alexa unit. Check the reviews and I think you’ll become converts.

Oh, and I have it on good authority that Lizzie and The Hat are going to make a return engagement in 2019.

That’s it for me today. We’ll start having guests again after the new year. I usually throw in a bunch of links and stuff at this point, but you’re already here. I’ll add some cover art, make them link to the purchase site, and toss this link in for good measure.

Craig’s Amazon Author Page is https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00ILXBXUY Just in case you want one of those free anthologies or a different title.

That’s it for me, I’m outta here. Don’t forget to use those sharing buttons today. Craig’s done it for over a hundred episodes of Lisa Burton Radio, and he’ll do it again when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.

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Underneath, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Welcome to this week’s edition of Lisa Burton Radio. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and this week we’re trying to fix a relationship. Our special guest today is Steve. “Welcome to the show, Steve.”

“Thanks, Lisa, great to be here. So refreshing to talk to someone rational for a change. I’m going round in circles with Liesel.”

“Let’s hope we can help you fix that. Why don’t you tell us about how you guys met?”

“I was sitting at a table on my own in the staff canteen when I looked up from a plate of bright-orange chicken madras, to see this woman with lavish Pre-Raphaelite hair beaming down at me. She’d mistaken me for some other guy, but it didn’t matter once we got chatting. I found out later she’d made him up, this other guy. You’ve got to admire a woman who can pull off a ruse like that.

“Anyway, I told her I was new to the area, and looking to buy a house. She seemed so interested, I invited her to come with me to a viewing that Friday. I thought I’d pushed it too far when she said she was busy that evening, but it turned out she had a legitimate excuse. I switched the appointment for the following Saturday so we could go together.

“Although it was only May, it was scorching hot, and the two of us were dressed as if the beach, whereas the estate agent was this stuffy woman in a business suit. Naturally, she assumed we were a couple and Liesel played along. I’d never have imagined house-hunting could be so hilarious.”

“Sounds like a good time. So tell us how you went from being a pretend couple to a real couple.”

“We hung out together when we could over the summer, although I was working shifts so our time off didn’t always coincide. When I put in an offer on that house, I secretly hoped she’d move in with me. But I knew not to pressure her. She’d told me right from the start she was a free spirit. But so was I, or had been, until then. I was just back in the UK after twenty years travelling.

“The day I moved in, she came over with a housewarming present, and we made love in every room in the house. Then one night towards the end of summer, I was squatting on the front doorstep with a reefer and a can of beer, when she showed up in a hired transit van with all her stuff.

“One of the things we’d both liked about the house was the huge cellar. It wasn’t decorated like a proper room but, for our first Christmas together, it was the perfect retreat from the world. All we needed was a mattress, some booze and some snacks. When we finally emerged from our love nest, we didn’t even know what day it was. Hardly knew where we were, as outside it was like a Christmas card, blanketed with snow.

“We had our differences, Lisa, like any couple. But we agreed on the important things. Politics. What a joke my sisters are – the buy-one-get-one-free twins. What a joke overpopulation isn’t. I’ve met far too many broody women in the last few years, more interested in the viability of my sperm than our having fun together. But Liesel was quick to let me know she wasn’t interested in children. I suppose that was part of the attraction.”

“Family life’s not for everyone. It’s good that your goals are aligned. So what’s the problem, Steve?”

“She’s changed her mind. Can you believe it, Lisa? The woman who refused to be tied down wants to start a family! I had my suspicions when I heard her smooching over a baby at her friend’s New Year party. But when we talked about it later, she insisted she didn’t want one of her own. Too sensible, as well as committed to her work. Liesel had big ambitions. Had put in for a promotion and was gutted when she didn’t get it. Sulked for three days and wouldn’t let me near her. Slept all alone down in the cellar. I thought everything was back to normal when she finally came upstairs to bed. But when I reached out for a condom, she batted my hand away.

“Even so, I was sure she’d come to her senses. She’s got her flaky side, and that disappointment hit her hard. But it’s like she’s had a personality transplant, harping on about her biological clock. Now she’s given me an ultimatum: if I won’t agree to start a family, she’s moving out at Easter to look for a man who will.”

“Aww, you poor guy. So, what’s your next step? Counseling? Therapy?”

“Therapy? I’d expect a robot to be above all that wishy-washy Freudian claptrap. You haven’t been talking to Liesel behind my back, have you? Or her coven of friends?”

“No, Steve. Just trying to help. Why?”

“Because that’s what she suggested. For me! She’s convinced herself I’m scared of becoming a dad. Just because I never knew my own! I’m scared, Lisa, but not of fatherhood. I’m scared of watching the woman I love disappear in a morass of maternity bras, nappies and pureed apricot rice. She said it herself, early on, she’s not cut out for motherhood. She needs her own space. But it’s like her friends have poisoned her mind.”

“That’s the second time you’ve mentioned her friends …”

“Yeah, well, Jules has had in for me from the moment we met. So I need to get Liesel away from her influence. You know, like at Christmas. If I could get her on her own for long enough I could talk some sense into her. Remind her of what she really believes.”

“I can see that romantic hideaway working at Christmas, Steve, but don’t people like to get out and about at Eastertime? But if it’s what you both want …”

“Thanks, Lisa, I knew you’d see the logic. Now it’s just a matter of persuading Liesel. Or getting her into the cellar regardless. I don’t know why, but she’s refused to go down there lately. But maybe when I tell her you think it’s the way forward …”

“Wait a minute! That’s not what I said.”

“Now there’s a thought! Did I mention that I work in an operating theatre? I’m only an orderly, but I could probably get hold of a bottle of anaesthetic.”

What? You can’t do that, Steve .”

“No, you’re right. I might not get the right dose. But how else am I to get her down there? That’s my only problem. Once she’s there, it’ll be simple to keep her there. There are three super-strong bolts on the door.”

“No-no-no-no. This won’t help you, Steve. You can’t lock someone up against her will.”

“Don’t freak out, Lisa. It’s for her own good. She doesn’t really want to leave me, she’s just got a bit muddled … Actually, that sounds like her coming through the front door, now. I’d better hang up, but thanks ever so much for your advice. I feel loads more confident. In fact, I’ve just had another idea. I’m pretty sure I can get her down there tonight–”

“Steve… Steve?

“It appears we’ve been disconnected. I really hope Steve and Liesel get the help they need. To find out if they do, you can pick up a copy of the book, Underneath, by Anne Goodwin. I’ll post all the details on the website after I go off the air.

It might help Steve to get that help, if you all use those sharing buttons today. I doubt Steve will pitch in, but I know Anne would do it for you when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.

***

Underneath blurb

He never intended to be a jailer …

After years of travelling, responsible to no-one but himself, Steve has resolved to settle down. He gets a job, buys a house and persuades Liesel to move in with him.

Life’s perfect, until Liesel delivers her ultimatum: if he won’t agree to start a family, she’ll have to leave. He can’t bear to lose her, but how can he face the prospect of fatherhood when he has no idea what being a father means? If he could somehow make her stay, he wouldn’t have to choose … and it would be a shame not to make use of the cellar.

Will this be the solution to his problems, or the catalyst for his own unravelling?

Reviews & endorsements

will stay with you long after you’ve finished reading Sanjida Kay

compelling, insightful and brave Ashley Stokes
I really relished every moment Being Anne Reading

Intelligent, insightful writing which takes you beneath the surface Books, Life and Everything

Further information purchase links

Amazon UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06X9VN6CD

Amazon US https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06X9VN6CD

Amazon universal link viewbook.at/Underneath

Underneath on author website https://annegoodwin.weebly.com/underneath.html

Underneath on publisher website http://www.inspired-quill.com/product/underneath/

Underneath on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AXRAVdhOP4

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Anne Goodwin bio

Anne Goodwin’s debut novel, Sugar and Snails was shortlisted for the 2016 Polari First Book Prize. Her second novel, Underneath, was published in 2017. Her short story collection, Becoming Someone, on the theme of identity, was published in November 2018. A former clinical psychologist, Anne is also a book blogger with a particular interest in fictional therapists.

Website: annegoodwin.weebly.com

Amazon author page: viewauthor.at/AnneGoodwin

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Annecdotist

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/annecdotist/

Twitter @Annecdotist https://twitter.com/Annecdotist

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/14157781.Anne_Goodwin

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Bill Hope, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Hey there, all you sleight of hand experts, pickpockets, and Artful Dodgers of every kind. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you interviews with the characters you love. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my special guest today is Bill Hope.”Welcome to the show, Bill.”

“How do, Miss Lisa. Glad to be here.”

“My bio says you’ve lived a pretty colorful life. There is a certain romance to being a thief. What is your preferred method of operation?”

“I work the streets and any place where the moneyed gents gather – theater lobbies, shops, horsecars, crowds watching parades and arguments and fights. The easiest hits are country bumpkins in wide-brimmed hats that walk around real wide-eyed staring at the crowds and sandwichmen and traffic with their coat open wide showing a shirtfront with a peach of a spark so when a mob of shoppers or beggars or a RADICAL CURE TRUSSES crowds in around them I just glide up and filch the spark real quick and clear out before they even know it’s gone. Of course I make mistakes. Once when I tried to rob a yokel he pushed me up against a WINES LIQUORS CIGARS storefront and hollered for a cop and a bluecoat came and they hustled me into a Black Maria that’s a big long hearse of a wagon and I was brought up before a judge and sent to that gloomy old prison the Tombs. And there that bumpkin came to me and turned out to be no hick at all but Sheldon Minick in disguise the city’s most successful private snoop who calls himself The Eye That Never Sleeps cause he goes after criminals no matter how they try to escape and he promised to drop charges if I’d do a job for him. He wanted me to snatch a real fancy scarf pin that a sweet little grafter named Sugar Nell had lifted right off a dear departed in a coffin at a funeral and she was parading around on Broadway with it on her and his family hired Mr. Minick to get it back and I thought robbing the dear departed wasn’t right so I was game. I did the job and snatched it off of her real neat and he was true to his word and dropped charges and from then on he was a friend to me and wanted me to quit the crooked life. A real sport he was and still is.”

“What led you to this career path?”

“I never knowed my ma who died when I was born and my pa dumped me on an uncle who beat me often as not so I took off and lived on the streets and my pal Dan taught me the tricks of the trade so we could net some coin and get a place of our own and live snug and warm and sleep there and not on a bale of cotton on the docks or under a cart. Mr. Minick wants me to quit the crooked life and I do too but we don’t know any honest job for a guttersnipe like me with no learning only street smarts that pays like grafting does. Like I told him many a time, gotta eat, boss, gotta buy shoes.”

“I think I understand that, but what about those you steal from? Don’t they gotta eat, too?”

“Miss Lisa, I’m a good fellow and good fellows live by their brain not brawn and hate bullies and thugs and snitches and never rat on their pals. So I never rob ladies or the poor, only moneyed gents who strut their coin, cause I won’t put them in the poorhouse they can spare a little jack for me.”

“Aren’t you afraid it will all catch up to you one day?”

“I been in and out of prison four times. Once Mr. Minick got me out and once I escaped in a coffin and once a mysterious gent called the Old Gentleman sprung me out of Sing Sing where I was beaten by a bully of a guard and snooped on my a mean little snitch of a cellmate. And once to escape a stretch in prison I didn’t deserve a lawyer told me to fake crazy so I worked up some words I’d heard educated people use and told the court I had distinguishable blood and lots of juhnusaykwa in my veins and would inherit from my uncle the most raffinated Duke de Champagne and I convinced the judge I had delusions and ended up in a loony bin with real loonies.”

“Several arrests. So now you carry a black-mark on your record. That has to make it difficult to find honest work.”

“It sure is. Some Christian folks as wanted me to reform turned a cold shoulder when I asked about a job. But the Old Gent as sprung me from Sing Sing offered me a crazy way out of the crooked life. He got me to work for him in a scheme called the green goods game where we sold fake counterfeit money to folks as wanted to pass it off on their neighbors and the cops let us alone figuring we was crooks cheating crooks only we wasn’t breaking any laws just cheating would-be crooks who needed cash real fast like storekeepers in debt and farmers about to lose their farms and even small-town mayors and a judge and a couple of sheriffs from out West and a preacher as wanted money to build a new church for his flock. That job taught me how even respectable people can be tempted to do a bit of graft and it worked for a while and I was in the chips and even met the Old Gent’s daughter and fell for her something fierce but then he wanted me to do something no good fellow could do and I refused and from then on he hated my guts and vowed to get me and I went into hiding. And then just when I was scared for my life they accused me Bill Hope — a good fellow who hates bullies and violence and never hurt anyone except in self-defense – they accused me of murder!”

“That’s terrible!”

“Maybe the worst time in my life. But no matter how things go and no matter what they accuse me of or try to do to me, I always hope for better. Sometimes better comes and sometimes not, but you gotta hope. What else is there? My pal Dan even kids me about my last name but I didn’t pick that name it just happened to me but yes I always hope. Hope and hope and hope. Otherwise it’s death.”

“I’m sure we wish you luck here, Bill. Any closing remarks for our listeners today?”

“I hope my story will help the folks who hear it and especially folks in trouble. Always always hope. It will see you through.”

“You can learn all about Bill in the book, Bill Hope His Story, by Clifford Browder. I’ll post all the details on the web after I log off today.

“Don’t forget to tip your waitress, and by that I mean use those sharing buttons. I’ll be doing it, Clifford will be doing it, and I’d bet he’d do it for you, when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

New York City, 1870s: From his cell in the gloomy prison known as the Tombs, young Bill Hope spills out in a torrent of words the story of his career as a thief and other adventures. The second novel in the Metropolis series. Bill discusses his experiences as a pickpocket and shoplifter; his scorn for snitches and bullies; his brutal treatment at Sing Sing and escape from another prison in a coffin; his forays into brownstones and polite society; his brief career on the stage playing himself; his loyalty to a man who has befriended him but may be trying to kill him; and his sojourn among the “loonies” in a madhouse, from which he emerges to face betrayal and death threats, and possible involvement in a murder. In the course of his adventures he learns how slight the difference is between criminal and law-abiding, insane and sane, vice and virtue–a lesson that reinforces what he learned on the streets. Driving him throughout is a fierce desire for better, a yearning to leave the crooked life behind, and a persistent and undying hope.

Reviews:

“A real yarn of a story about a lovable pickpocket who gets into trouble and has a great adventure.  A must read.”  Five-star review by nicole w brown.

“This was a fun book.  The main character seemed like a cross between Huck Finn and a Charles Dickens character.  I would recommend this.”  Four-star Library Thing review by stephvin.

Purchase link: Amazon

Clifford Browder is a writer living in New York.  He has published two biographies, three historical novels, and an award-winning collection of posts from his blog, “No Place for Normal: New York.”  His poetry has appeared in numerous small reviews, both online and in print.  Mostly vegan, he has never owned a car, a television, or a cell phone.  He is fond of oystercatchers and slime molds, and never kills spiders.  Though ripe in years, he has learned the Charleston: geezers rock.

Contacts:

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