And now for something completely different

Yeah, I’m still at home and in pain. My keyboard and mind still function. Well… my mind functions at its normal level, never said it was great.

I’m about ready to fill a hot water bottle with a big Tom & Jerry. It can medicate in multiple ways.

If I were in charge, and I should be, I would add one thing to the end of Game of Thrones. I was exchanging comments with Charles Yallowitz early this morning and this came to me.

After the last episode aired, I would require all the dead characters to return in full costume. I’d make them all into a chorus, and I’d even hire Eric Idle to direct them. Then they’d all sing this song:

Of course, we’d have to change one line somewhere to accommodate Hodor. Maybe Eric Idle can help here.

I swear to God, it would be an internet sensation. Think of the video you could make. A little girl burning at the stake singing along, one several being eaten by dogs, seas full of drowning sailors. It would be awesome. Just think of old man Lanister sitting on the toilet, full of arrows and whistling.

It could work for The Walking Dead too, but not quite as well in my mind.

I had an email exchange this morning with one of my favorite authors. We’re putting together an upcoming Lisa Burton interview, and there is no word to describe a sigh. Think about the “radio” format. If someone sighed you would hear it. I don’t want to break the format to tell listeners a guest character sighed, so what would it sound like?

Think about it. We have “words” for: tch, hmmm, ahhh, oooh, mmhmm, even hmph. We need a word for a sigh.

She suggested perhaps there is an Onomatopoeia Control Board we can petition. Authors need a word for a sigh.

My wife has been watching The Hallmark Channel. I’m a captive audience, I can’t exactly run screaming from the room currently. I have to prop myself against the back wall just to go pee right now.

Everyone of these stories is the same damned story. Life-changing boyfriend with a mansion and a helicopter gets dumped in favor of a small town bumpkin with a broke-assed dairy, because love. I know dairy farmers, and there isn’t a lot to look forward to. Oh, and the actors are all exceptionally pretty, even the men. Aside from the actresses, their characters are always adorable. This time of year there is the added requirement of Christmas being involved. Bumpkin shows her the true meaning of Christmas, that kind of thing.

What kills me here is people eat this crap up. I should rip off about a hundred or so of these and retire. They teach us not to have Mary Sue characters, but there they are in abundance. I’d probably blow it by creating unique characters that don’t fill the recipe out right. Grouchy old bastard with emphysema reconciles with ex-wife who once shot him through the liver. Expect scenes of making a noose out of red & green ribbon and suggestions of where to stick those baubles.

Okay, enough of my nonsense. Pass me the hot water bottle and always look on the bright side of life.


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74 responses to “And now for something completely different

  1. Glad to see your sense of humour is still intact, Craig!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. N. N. Light

    Glad to see your humor is still flowing. I totally laughed hard at this post, especially the Eric Idle part. I think when I’m writing I use the the italics version of the word “sigh” but I agree there needs to be a word for it.

    As for your Hallmark Channel revelation, you see now why romance is a gazillion dollar business. Heck, Hallmark Channel is publishing authors now for similar stories.

    I personally love reading romances, no matter if it’s been done a million times. It speaks to my swooning heart. I’m a Harlequin reader ever since I was ten years old. Nuff said.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Have to ask: What’s a Tom & Jerry? Could have sworn there was a sound effect for sigh. Though, I think it also depends on the type of sigh. You have pleasurable (aahhhh), bored (huuuuuh), and frustrated (uuuuuhhhh). It’s a rather broad reaction. Not to mention one that gets you odd looks from other people in the house if they here you making the noise in order to get an ear for it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh, my gosh. I think I’m laughing way too hard at this video. Anyone who can rhyme gristle, whistle, and this’ll has my vote.

    I got an email not too long ago that Hallmark was looking for clean romance novels to turn into movies. I think you’re on to something; we should churn out a bunch of them and sit back and watch the money roll in. Of course, they would have to be formulaic novels. No GOBs. (As a writer, I understand your frustration with the films, but I have to admit, they’re a guilty pleasure of mine.)


    Liked by 2 people

  5. How did I get off at this stop??? LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Pretty funny, Craig. I hope the Tom and Jerry’s work quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m the guy on the bridge! (Edvard Munch ‘The Scream’)

    Liked by 2 people

  8. “Grouchy old bastard….” LOL. Sounds like something my sister would write. Do you happen to read The Onion?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your sense of humor is intact. Romance is a big seller. Guess I’m writing the wrong genre! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I do love a good romance, but I like reality woven throughout. Not everyone is beautiful and perfect. 🙂 I can’t think of a physical word for a sigh. That’s a tough one. Hope you start to feel better soon. Perhaps a trip to the local chiropractor might help?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Great post! Creativity in FULL FORCE today! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I feel for you! I don’t know what’s worse – being in pain or having to watch cheesy formulaic romances on TV. The cheese always seems to get worse at Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Nothing like some Python so brighten up your day! 😀 Always Look… is now one of the most popular songs to have at the end of a funeral over here in the UK . I had it for my husband using the version recorded by the entertainers at his football club’s fanfest and all his stadium buddies sang along to it! Would be the perfect finale for GoT 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Glad to hear your mind is still functioning in whatever capacity counts as normal for you, despite the pain. 😉

    I’ll read and watch things across multiple genres. I love a good mystery, enjoy some horror, am a big fan of fantasy, etc. But I also appreciate and enjoy a good old fashioned sappy romance from time to time, whether it be in book format or a movie. I know those stories have been done a million times, with mainly just names and locations changing, but that’s the whole point. There’s something comforting in the familiarity of knowing how it will end, and that love will win out. Add to that the cosy Christmas that you know isn’t how things really are, but can’t help thinking would be lovely if you could only have a Christmas like that, and you have a recipe for a sappy romantic Christmas movie that will make those of us who enjoy them feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need. At least, sometimes it’s what I need.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. And that’s exactly why I don’t watch the Hallmark channel. Lifetime is guilty of this too. Maybe to a lesser degree, but still. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to read back to see why you’re in pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I don’t watch many of them, but I can easily get sucked into a Hallmark movie. I love all those happily-ever-afters, kind of like fairy-tales for adults. Sometimes I just want the sparkly world where everything ends perfectly. Yeah, roll your eyes. I’ll ask your wife to pass the popcorn. 🙂

    And, wow, you’re really having a rough go of it. I hope you get straightened out before the holidays. I know from experience how long these things can last!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I usually get sucked into those as well, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Angry sigh: “humph!” Relieved sigh: “whew!” Tired sigh: “yawn.”


  19. Don’t get me started on The Hallmark Channel – hubby watches those movies all the time. I swear, the one he watched a few days ago (I was also a captive audience) was a rip off of Northern Exposure, Legally Blonde, Doc Hollywood, with a shot of Christmas, shaken and stirred. Same format and completely predictable. I feel your pain, Craig. Not the back pain, but you know what I mean.

    Liked by 1 person

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