Macabre Macaroni, just like Mom used to make

Matricide

“Once more, from the top, please.”

“I thought it would be easier. Just take a knife, slice her in half and be done with it. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. The knife only goes in about six inches, then stops.”

“Where did you do it?”

“The garage. It’s easier to clean up the mess. I’m telling you, crap goes everywhere. I finally had to use some large pruning shears to get her into manageable chunks.”

“And where are these pieces now?”

“The landfill, I suppose. Look, I know that isn’t the right place, but my car’s broke down. I figured if I could bag up the pieces the garbage truck would take them. I had a hell of a time getting her into the garage too.”

“So you premeditated a plan to get her into the garage? Tell us about the plan.”

“I knew I couldn’t do it in the house. I can clean out the garage easier than the carpets, but it was a fight to get her out there. She weighs about the same as I do, and it was all dead weight, you know?”

“So she didn’t go to the garage on her own?”

“They never do.”

“You mean there are more of them? How many more?”

“N, no. This is the first one. I promise never to do it again.”

“You won’t, you sick bastard. We’re going to need those tools as evidence too. You can allow us to search the garage and take the tools, or we can get a warrant. What’s your choice?”

“Will, will I get my tools back? They were my father’s.”

“I don’t think you’ll be needing them where you’re headed.”

“Maybe you ought to get the warrant then.”

“Alright, let’s see if I have this right, before I wake up the judge. You pushed her off the bed, then kicked her over the headboard–”

“Footboard.”

“You kicked her over the footboard. Then you dragged her to the garage, tried to cut her up with a knife, but decided to use some pruning shears instead.”

“Uh huh.”

“Then you placed her pieces in garbage bags and tricked the sanitation company into taking her to the landfill.”

“Yes, sir.”

“How many bags? We need to recover all of them.”

“Th, there were six in all. Four to hold the big parts, and two to hold all the insides. That stuff goes everywhere.”

“Where did you wash up?”

“In my shower. It was hot and sweaty in the garage, and I had crap all over me, so I took a shower.”

“We’re going to have to collect the shower drain too. You seem pretty relaxed about it all.”

“Haven’t slept this well in years.”

“You’re a cold bastard, you know that?”

“I couldn’t take all the sleepless nights, you don’t know how noisy she was at night, and she stunk too. When they get that old they aren’t the same anymore. I sprayed her down with Febreze and gave her a new blanket, but that smell always came back.”

“Good, God. My mother stinks too, but I’d never spray her down with air freshener and cut her up in some dingy garage.”

“Me either.”

“Are you now recanting your testimony?”

“Look all I did was get a new mattress and tried to slip the old one past the garbage man. I never knew it was a crime.”

“Randy at the bar called 911 at 01:34 this morning and said you were in there bragging about matricide.”

“What else would you call it? I got rid of my old mattress. I never knew it was a crime.”

***

With apologies to John Howell who writes these kind of stories better than I could ever hope.

PS: The 99Β’ sale for The Playground is going on right now. Take advanatage of the sale price before it goes away.

 

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55 Comments

Filed under Short Stories & Vignettes

55 responses to “Macabre Macaroni, just like Mom used to make

  1. Loved this one, Craig. Where do you find them all?

    Like

  2. That was just great….the play on words perfect! My husband would love this…he’s got a pun for every occasion.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bwahahaha! Love it. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on Legends of Windemere and commented:
    Another spooky, twisty tale from C.S. Boyack.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bravo. I was ready for creepy and got hilarious. Love these stories.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hahahaha! Well done. I didn’t see that coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. WOW, absolutely sucked in, but really giggled when I realised what he was talking about. Can just imagine the officer’s face :)))))

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Phoenix Rainez and commented:
    With Halloween approaching I just had to share this story πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Positively loved it. Had to read it through a second time once I knew the ending just to marvel at how well it played out. The line about the insides (that stuff goes everywhere) was brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Fantastic story for this time of year- and hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Haha! Brilliant, Craig! Just brilliant!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Priceless. Matricide πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  13. You certainly outdid me, my friend. This was terrific.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Reblogged this on Fiction Favorites and commented:
    Here is an excellent short story with a twist. Craig is one of the best at these kinds of tales. He also has The Playground on sale for $0.99. Check it out.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Great story. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Ha ha! Had me guessing to the end. Great pun! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Nicely done. I love that ending.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Well… I suppose you think that’s funny?! πŸ˜›
    I thought there was a real Howeller coming up, but I didn’t anticipate that one – very clever! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  19. LOL! Oh that was clever! I really loved this one! And that title! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Hilarious, C.S. I loved the twist at the end. It caught me completely by surprise. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Pingback: The Dragon’s Ghost, Part 1 | Wyrmflight

  22. Hahahaha! Nice. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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