Tag Archives: advice column

Dear Lisa Vol. 3, on #LisaBurtonRadio

“Welcome to a special edition of Lisa Burton Radio. We run these out every once in a while, when I find myself without a guest. This time, it worked out to my advantage, but I never planned it that way.

“At the time of this broadcast, I’m working with Sean Harrington to make promotional posters for The Yak Guy Project. We already have some cool ones for The Enhanced League. I’m super excited to share these with you, but we have to wait for Craig to get some things accomplished.

“On episodes of Dear Lisa, I answer listener questions on the air, and today we have some doozies. Let’s get to the mail.”

Dear Lisa,

My dad ran over all my video games with his lawnmower! What a jerk. Just because I’m 30 years old and still live at home with no job, he thinks it’s okay to destroy my stuff. I have a good mind to– Well, anyway, I’m writing to you for advice. I plan to play video games professionally. That’s a job, right? How can make my parents understand?

Signed,

Frustrated in Farmington

“Wow, sorry to hear about that, Frustrated. It’s tough when your stuff gets ruined. You might want to assess why your father feels so strongly about your situation. After a bit of deep thought, you should probably have an adult conversation with him about it too.

“In an attempt to be ever helpful, I Googled the information for you. You know you can do this yourself, don’t you? It appears there are professional video game players. This is a world of competitions and prize money. Many of them supplement their income by filming practice sessions and selling access to view them. So I have to admit that it’s possible.

“Oh, and you might want to read The Yak Guy Project when Craig gets around to publishing it. It’s about a guy who’s a lot like you.

“The bigger picture is a man your age living at home, and not getting on with his life. Every person out there has a dream beyond their current reality. I’d like to be a super heroine, and I have the onboard equipment to pull it off too. It doesn’t appear to pay all that well though, and robot girls need things. See, a real job pays for things.

“For every wanna be fashion model there’s a barista. For every Major League Baseball player, there’s an Uber driver. Go for your dreams, but don’t forget to live a life while you’re at it. Craig would like to write full-time, but he keeps a paycheck job to cover the house payment and keep food on the table. Go get that first job and that first apartment. Then use your spare time to work on your gaming.

Let’s look at our next letter.

Dear Lisa,

My two sons drive me insane with their constant bickering. Between you and me, my eldest, Nathan, starts it. He thinks he’s the cat’s meow, and he never misses a chance to smear his good looks in poor Robbie’s face. He’s my baby. Such a wonderful boy, too, with straight A’s and on the honor roll every year. Nathan, on the other hand, has girls in and out of his room at all hours. He doesn’t think I know, but I do. I even slip condoms into his leather jacket. Lord knows if he ever uses them. At my tender age, I can’t be a grandmother! Ahem. Excuse me. My question is, how do I stop the rivalry between them? It’s not Robbie’s fault he wasn’t born with more brains than brawn.

Signed,

Desperate in Dakota

“Gee, Desperate, you don’t sound desperate. I get some frustrations and a lot of emotions toward both of your sons, but no desperation.

“They’re different people, and have to approach life differently. Find a way to encourage their talents and protect them from life’s pitfalls. The condom idea is good, but you can’t make him use them. Do what you can. Remember, Robbie may need them too. He might just be a little more discrete about things.

“I may be able to introduce Nathan to some romance authors. They might find a job for him.

“Oh, and as far as being a grandmother goes, if you were old enough to make a baby, and that baby is now capable of having sex, then yeah, you are. Buy some grandma pants, get a short perm, and get over it.

“Finally we have a letter from someone who wants to know how to get the most out of Lisa Burton Radio when their character is on the show. Okay, I made that part up, but it’s good data.

“First, be present. You’re going to get comments, and even some reblogs. You need to respond to those comments. You should probably visit the sites of those who shared the broadcast and thank them on their own page. It could turn out to be a good contact for you, you might find an incredible new blog to follow, plus you can help raise that blogger’s stats a bit.

“Second, share the post. Reblog it on your own site. Put it out on every social media you have, and not just on the day it posts. I see some tweeting out their interview a year after it was live. Make people like your characters, and they may want to read more, but only if they know about it. Feel free to use the #LisaBurtonRadio hashtag. That benefits me, and it costs you nothing.

“Third, come back. The broadcast usually gets comments for three or four days. You don’t have to live here, but don’t make a potential fan feel like you dismissed them.

“That’s it for our mailbox, but I have a bit more. I need guest characters to keep the show running. We aren’t exclusive to any particular genre, and have covered a broad swath around here. We even branched out into kidlit in the past month.

“Send me your jilted lovers, your dark lords, your heroes and heroines. Minions, I’ve never had a minion on the show, and that would be cool. It’s easy to do, and you might reach a bunch of new readers. Simply drop an email to coldhand (dot) boyack (at) gmail (dot) com, and let me know what you have in mind.

“I’ll be back after I finish modeling, and a few vacation days. I have access to email, and will help you out even if I’m not at the writing cabin.

“Remember, not only do I need guests, I’ll need letters for the Dear Lisa episodes too. If you don’t have a character, or if you’re not quite ready to promote, you can always send me a letter to answer on the air. It’s the same email address, and I’ll save it for Dear Lisa Volume Four.

“Thanks for tuning in. For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton.”

 

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Dear Lisa Vol. 2, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Hey, hipsters, Lisa Burton the robot girl here, and today we’re doing something fun. I don’t have a guest to interview, so we’re holding another episode of Dear Lisa. This is where I flip through some of the fan mail, and answer it on the air. Stick with me, it’ll be fun.

Our first letter comes from Long Island and wants to know what my first job was.

I try really hard to be just as human as everyone else, but admit that I’m a little different. I was created in a concept lab as both a promotional tool, and to demonstrate what the future of robotics could hold. Part of the bargain was to plant me into society and see how I adapt as a human. Some people are nervous nellies, and were terrified that I’d go all Skynet on them. That meant the police department was the only place they’d let me work. They were better equipped to watch over me, so to speak.

At the Hudson Police Department, I was assigned to the homicide squad. My absolute very first job was to make a Vice sweep. It’s kind of a hazing slash welcome to the department kind of thing. I caught some perps too. The night ended early when we got a call about a body someone found.

This next one is kind of sad, and I’m going to read it so you get the gist of it.

Dear Lisa,

Lately my boyfriend is always showing up late. He tells me football practice ran late, but I’ve got my doubts. I’ve also noticed him checking out my fellow cheerleaders when he comes to pick me up. I’m afraid if I confront him, he’ll leave me. He’s the most popular boy in school. I can’t lose him. What should I do?

Signed,

Heartbroken in High School

This is something I can really sink my teeth into, and there are a couple of ways to answer you. Since it’s my show, I’m going to do both. You can’t hack into his phone and computer, like I can. You can try taking a look at his phone when he’s at practice. You might find all kinds of evidence on social media, text messages, those kind of places. There are any number of small drones you can use to see what he’s up to when you’re out of sight too. That seems simple enough, but may not be the best option.

The second part of this answer is that you seem to need him to establish your own value. The only way you described him is how popular he is. You didn’t tell me anything about him except that he plays football and is popular. No mention of his cute smile, or how he makes you feel. You need to find a way to feel valuable without him. When you’ve done that, he might be an asset. Without your own feeling of self worth, you’ll never be stable in the relationship.

The last one for today is from Yukon, Canada. This person wants to know why Bunny is so important to me.

For new people, Bunny is my pet rabbit. He and I have a lot of similarities. He is a genetically modified organism, I have GMO human skin covering my chassis. My original experiment involved me being broken down into my component parts at the end to study for wear and tear. Bunny is a Kansas City Broiler, and he was going to be broken down into his component parts too.

I rescued Bunny and saved him from the butcher shop, and in doing so he inspired me to save myself. I found my own self worth, and decided not to be broken down at the end of my experiment. It was a struggle, and I suffered some real loss. Bunny and I got through it together, and we stay together through thick and thin.

That was fun, and we should do it again some time. In order to do it, I need your fan mail. You can drop me a comment here on the blog, Facebook me, or send me an email. I’ll hang onto the the questions for a future edition of Dear Lisa.

This broadcast is primarily for me to interview characters from the books you love to read. I’m in need of characters again too. I have a few questionnaires out in cyberspace somewhere, but nothing broadcast ready right now. Authors, send me your protagonists, your colorful supporting characters, even your antagonists. I’d love to help promote their books. Return visits aren’t just allowed, they’re encouraged.

If you aren’t an author, you can still send a question for me to answer. You can also tell someone about Lisa Burton Radio by using the sharing buttons below. For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton. Have a great day.

***

Lisa can be reached at coldhand (dot) boyack (at) gmail (dot) com, on Facebook, or in the comments.

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