Tag Archives: adventure

Nothing quite like the terror of hitting the publish button

I got to the writing cabin early this morning. So early, Lisa was still recharging her batteries.

I wasted no time heading for my office, but Lisa intercepted me at my computer, at least her voice did.

“I need another hour of juice.” Her voice came from the speakers. “I’ve never seen you so early before. I sent a command to the coffee pot to start brewing, but you’ll have to give it twelve minutes and eighteen seconds to brew.”

Doubt, the raven, watched me with his malignant gaze. He spread his ebony wings and glided over to the desk.

I loaded my manuscript, chose some keywords, added a cover.

“Blork, pik, pik.”

I think that means how much I suck, but could not be dissuaded.

I winged it when it came to the blurb. I always do this, and really should spend a month getting it just right. For some reason, it always feels more genuine to write it on the fly.

“Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.”

“Shut up, you stupid bird. Don’t you need to go outside and cruise for roadkill?”

Doubt paced back and forth on my desk. He swept his head from side to side, as if to say, “No, no, no.”

It didn’t matter. I uploaded the damned book. Then the waiting began. Amazon can take up to three days to approve a new book. I checked email. Nothing.

The beeper on the coffee pot went off, so I helped myself. Then checked email.

A couple of webcomics published new pages, so I read those. Then checked email.

Lisa Burton Radio. Checked email.

A new critique submission ate up a couple of hours. Checked email between each chapter.

Chatted with Story Empire compatriots. Checked email.

Lisa showed up. She looked fabulous in her oversized New Year’s sweatshirt and black tights. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Just checking email.”

“There’s an Indiana Jones film festival on. Maybe you should check it out.”

“Right after I check my email.”

She grabbed me by the arm, then walked me to the couch. She’s connected to the entire house, and the television came on without a glance. “… Goose-stepping morons like yourselves should try reading books, instead of burning them…”

“I’d better check my email.”

“Relax. It will all happen in time.” She went to tend her pet rabbit.

I pulled my hidden phone from my pocket and checked email.

It went like that pretty much all day. I exchanged a few notes about the critique, then went back to chatting with the Story Empire crowd. One of them told me they just bought my book. “ACK!!!” I still didn’t have an email.

I got the link from her, then created an Amazon global link. I did a long-planned facelift on my blog. It looks so great. Sean Harrington did an update on my banner image to keep it in theme with the new book.

Still no email from Amazon. When I dug deeper, it was in my junk folder. WHAT??? Nothing really ever goes in my junk folder, so I never thought about it, but there it was.

So (Composing myself), Lanternfish is a book. I made a new graphic for the sidebar, and you can pick up your copy by clicking on the cover. I sent out a couple of blog tour inquiries, and need to get started sending out the pre-written posts. They’re all unique, so my followers can get updated stuff at each stop. I have more people to contact, but none of this happens until Amazon sends the email.

Of course, I have to go back to work tomorrow. That puts a damper on some of this. I’m sorely tempted to take tomorrow off now. Goodreads, BookBub, and a bunch of other places need updates now.

Lanternfish is the book I wrote about all summer. It’s the one with root monsters, giant jellyfish, moving reef, and more. If pirate fantasy is your thing, I’d like to draw your attention to this one.

I have some fun posters Lisa made to help promote with, and can’t wait to share them.

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Filed under Muse, Writing

Talk Like a Pirate Day

I just realized today is Talk Like a Pirate Day. I love this, and wondered what I could do about it on my blog. Writing out an entire post in “Pirate” probably isn’t going to impress anyone, so I’ll spare you that.

Truth is, I have a pirate tie in. I’ve finished Voyage of the Lanternfish, but it won’t publish until this winter sometime. Could be 2018, could be 2019, but winter just the same.

I’ve been working on posts for a blog tour to introduce the story to people. I’ve been working on getting my artwork together too. There is a lot that happens to pull off a successful release.

Normally, I just hold stuff back and spring it on people when I’m ready, but this is Talk Like a Pirate day. How could I avoid that? Check out this cover and see if you might want to read my pirate fantasy/adventure tale.

Voyage of the Lanternfish

Meanwhile, Lisa is hanging out with Sean Harrington again. Who knows what they get up to when I’m not around, but I have a hunch they’ll be talking like pirates in some tavern tonight. Lisa sent me this advance picture to let me know she’s actually working and needs to stay on the payroll.

Lisa Burton

I hope they leave the root monsters home tonight. I don’t think I have bail money to spare. Have a great day, mates.

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Amanda in New Mexico, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Welcome all you research junkies, and skeptical paranormal fans. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you characters from the books you love. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my very special guest today is Amanda Jane Ross. She’s only twelve, so let’s make her feel welcome. “Hi, Amanda. Thanks for being on the show today.”

“Hi, Lisa!! I’m totally excited about being on your show. But I am a little nervous as I’ve never been on the radio before.”

“My bio says you hail from Calgary, Canada. That’s a pretty interesting place. What can you tell us about it?”

“Well, it is famous for The Calgary Stampede. I am in grade six and attend Guy Weadick Elementary. Did you know the school is named after a cowboy who started the Calgary Stampede?  I used to think it was a pretty boring place as nothing exciting ever happens in Calgary. But my friend, Leah, came to visit from England and she thought it was fun because we went to a big old ranch, rode horses in the foothills and joined a cattle drive. It was fun, until a mean cowboy locked us in an abandoned cabin. Leah says those things only happen when she’s with me. She thinks I attract trouble.”

“That’s always the way, isn’t it. The world is interesting, but home is boring. I understand that you’re calling in from a field trip right now. That has to be fun, right?”

“Right! It is so amazing here in Taos, New Mexico. Ten of us from class were chosen to go on this cultural trip because we are creative. For instance, I like to write stories, others are into drawing, painting or photography. It’s great because we get to stay at an old house that belonged to a woman, Mable Dodge Luhan, who invited artists and writers to stay here a long time ago. She’s dead now but they still use her place for class trips, artist retreats and things like that. It’s kind of creepy though because it’s old. My roommate, Cleo, keeps saying she sees ghosts everywhere we go. As if! I personally don’t believe in ghosts.”

“Don’t be so sure, Amanda. I’ve seen some things that might make you think otherwise.”

“Well, she, Cleo that is, said she saw a young girl in a flowing white dress standing by a donkey cart at the hacienda we visited. She even drew a picture of her. No one else saw her. Then she said the same girl pushed her into the stream at the Taos pueblo. Can you believe it? Caleb, a classmate, thinks she’s a bit crazy. But then later, when I went to check out the old graveyard, something pushed me over the stone wall and into the tombstones. I was all alone, there was no one else around. It was just really windy. So what was that all about??”

“I get you, it’s odd stuff, but not blood oozing down the walls scary. I’d be mad too if a mysterious wind kept messing up my hair.”

“Totes, Lisa. Not only that, I got into big trouble for being in there too. I mean, I love checking out old graveyards, it’s one of my favourite things to do. But I wouldn’t go in one if it wasn’t allowed. I hate being accused of stuff I didn’t do on purpose. It ruined my day big time!

“We‘ve seen some weird things here already, like the figure of Dona Sebastiana, the female saint of death at the Hacienda de los Martinez. Boy, was she scary looking. Why did the lights go out just when I was staring at her in the Santos Display Room? And what about that bizarre painting that changed appearance when they put the lights out at the church of Saint Francis of Assisi. Just too weird and unexplainable. That’s also where Caleb and I found skeletons in a derelict building and Cleo went missing only to be found in that very same building. She said something about the ghost of the girl making her go there, or some silly story. Honestly, I think she really is disturbed.

“We are off to visit a genuine haunted hotel in a place called Cimarron. Apparently, there are a number of ghosts who hang out there including the wife of the original owner and a cowboy who was shot while playing cards in the gambling room. I mean he still has a room there!! It’s locked and no one is allowed in that room. A pretty good story, don’t you think. Perhaps it’s good for business. I wonder if Cleo will see him or if her ghost girl will join us?”

“Okay that sounds cool, and kind of creepy at the same time. Maybe you can ask him what’s going on around you.”

“Well, personally I don’t believe he exists and would love to prove it. Anyway, it will be fun to go there. Other famous folks stayed at the hotel like Annie Oakley and Wyatt Earp. I’m a bit of a history geek and love that kind of connection to history. Maybe I’ll get some good ideas for stories.”

“Amanda, keep up with your writing, and try to enjoy the trip. Don’t get too caught up in all this mystery, and try to experience the things in front of you.”

“Thanks, Lisa, I plan to enjoy this trip in spite of Cleo and her ghost obsession. I must say I do worry about her though. I would like to get to the bottom of these weird events. We’ll be here for the Day of The Dead. Maybe then I can get some answers.

“This has been awesome fun, Lisa. You are so cool. I can’t believe I’m actually on a radio show!! Thanks so much for having me.”

“We wish you an exciting trip, and thanks for agreeing to this interview.

“You can learn more about Amanda and her adventures in the Amanda Travels series by Darlene Foster. I think starting with Amanda in New Mexico is a great idea. I’m a sucker for a ghost story.

“Don’t forget to use those sharing buttons on your way out today. I’m sure Amanda and Darlene would do it for you, when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

Amanda Ross is on a school trip to Taos, New Mexico with several of her fellow creative students. Join Amanda, Cleo and their funny friend, Caleb, as they visit an ancient and beautiful landscape where a traditional hacienda, an ancient pueblo, and a haunted and spooky hotel all hold secrets to a wild and violent past. Does Cleo really see ghosts? Can Amanda escape the eerie wind that follows her everywhere? Perhaps the Day of the Dead will reveal the mysteries of Taos in this latest adventure of Amanda’s travels.

Pick up your copy right here.

Darlene Foster dreamt of writing, travelling the world, and meeting interesting people. She also believed in making her dreams come true. It’s no surprise she’s now the award-winning author of Amanda Travels, a children’s adventure series about a spunky twelve-year-old who loves to travel to unique places.  Readers of all ages enjoy travelling with Amanda as she unravels one mystery after another. A world traveller herself, Darlene divides her time between the west coast of Canada and the Costa Blanca, in Spain with her husband and entertaining dog, Dot.

Catch up with Darlene at the following locations:

Website www.darlenefoster.ca

blog https://darlenefoster.wordpress.com/

facebook https://www.facebook.com/DarleneFosterWriter/

twitter https://twitter.com/supermegawoman

Amazon author page https://www.amazon.com/Darlene-Foster/

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The Hat, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Welcome all you superheroes and ghost whisperers. You citizens of the great beyond. You’ve found Lisa Burton Radio, and I have a real treat for you today. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my guest today is Lizzie St. Laurent. She’s a twenty-one year old college dropout working multiple jobs to keep her head above water. “Welcome to the show, Lizzie”

“Hi Lisa. Hi everyone.”

“Lizzie, it looks like your parents are fairly well off. They were able to buy you a car, and pitched in for your education. How did you get to this point in your life?”

“College was always in the plan. To pull it off, I was going to live with my grandmother, and did up until she died. Then a college friend talked me into moving in with her, and that was okay until she bailed and went home to her parents. I was stuck with the apartment, and all the bills. I had to drop out and take on an extra job to make ends meet.”

“It wasn’t possible to keep living in your grandmother’s house? Did she have a mortgage or something?”

“No. She owned it free and clear, but it was part of the estate and my uncle couldn’t wait to get his hands on the money. He wound up with the lions share, because my mom, his sister, is out on the west coast.

“I didn’t care, but I loved her and wanted a memento of some kind. He refused and tried to pass off a casino ashtray as something of hers. Maybe it was, but I wanted a house plant or something.”

“I hate it when people are like that. This brings us to a pivotal point in your life though. Tell us what you did next.”

“I, um. I stole a box of stuff from the back of the truck. Partially because I’m an heir too, and partially because I wanted something of hers. It turned out to be this crappy old hat.

“Turned out it wasn’t a hat at all. He is a creature from another dimension, and he’s trapped in the form of a hat. He’s been here for thousands of years, and his last owner was my grandfather who I barely knew.”

“I know my fashion, and it changes even for men. I can’t imagine a style stuck around for thousands of years.”

“Oh, he can change, but always as headwear. It all started out when this soldier wanted eyes in the back of his head. He paid a witch to cast a spell like that on his helmet. The spell kind of worked, but it trapped him here and bound him to the soldiers bloodline. Turns out, I’m part of that bloodline.”

“That’s pretty cool. You could always have the latest fashion just by having him change, plus you could watch for muggers behind you at night.”

“Yeah, but there’s more to it than that. He’s a complete person himself. He has a mission, and my family’s been tangled up in it for years and years. He is some kind of paranormal avenger.”

“You mean like a superhero?”

“Yeah, if you want to put it that way, only he doesn’t arrest people or beat up the bad guys, he sh – um shoots them.”

“Wait a minute. How can a hat shoot anyone?”

“He um… He uses me for that.”

“You mean he takes over your body and makes you shoot people? Like some kind of Jekyll and Hyde thing?”

“Not exactly. Most of the time it’s monsters, but sometimes it’s people. Bad people though. I went along with it to save some babies.

“It’s more like I’m there, but he’s there too. I can do things I could never do before because he can.”

“I’m not understanding that, sorry.”

“He taught me how to shoot. I can shoot a pistol with my right hand, but at the same time, he can shoot one with my left hand. I can see what he sees, and I can even sleep while he drives my car.

“You make it all sound bad, but he’s an incredible musician. He plays the upright bass. I can sing a little, so we formed a band. It brings in enough money to pay the bills. It also takes us out nights where we can protect people from bad things.”

“What do your band mates think of him?”

“They don’t know. They just see me, wearing a hat, while I play the bass and cover the vocals. It makes me nervous not having a regular paycheck, but it’s worked out so far.

“Look, there’s a lot more to it, Lisa. There is a cabin in the woods, and the hat has some other skills, like being able to find people if he’s ever met them before. I don’t know if we have time for it all today.”

“Not for nothing, Lizzie, but I’m a robot girl who also appeared in a story. As such, I have some special skills myself. I can tell those earbuds you’re wearing aren’t giving off a signal of any kind. That’s him isn’t it?”

“Um, they’re just not turned on.”

“They aren’t turned on, because they’re fake. They aren’t even giving off an electrical imprint. Why don’t you come out and talk to us? Are you shy?”

“Oh, god no. He isn’t shy at all. He wants to maintain his cover. Thinks if people hear the broadcast they’ll just think I’m some crazy girl.”

“Lizzie, I feel like we’ve only scratched the surface here. I mean your grandfather was some kind of paranormal assassin, now you are too. We just don’t have time to dive into all of it.”

“It’s okay, Lisa. Your listeners can read all about it in the book The Hat, by our mutual author C.S. Boyack. It’s been a pleasure working with you today, and I hope we can do it again soon.”

“Maybe sooner than you think. The Hat is available on Amazon and I’ll go ahead and include a purchase link. I’m also going to add one of the posters I made to promote this book, since Craig wrote it. For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton.”

***

Lizzie St. Laurent is dealing with many of the struggles of young life. She lost her grandmother, and her living arrangements. Her new roommate abandoned her, and she’s working multiple jobs just to keep her head above water.

She inherits an old hat from her grandmother’s estate, but it belonged to her grandfather. This is no ordinary hat, but a being from an alternate dimension. One with special powers.

Lizzie and the hat don’t exactly hit it off right away, but when her best friend’s newborn is kidnapped by a ring of baby traffickers, Lizzie turns to the hat for help. This leads her deep into her family history and a world she’s never known.

Lizzie gives up everything to rescue the babies. She loses her jobs, and may wind up in jail before it’s over. Along the way, she and the hat may have a new way of making ends meet.

Humorous and fun, The Hat is novella length. Wonderful escapism for an afternoon.

Pick up your copy right here.

One of the posters Lisa posed for to promote this novella.

Lisa Burton

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Saga for Pirantina, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Welcome all you space jockeys and dragon riders. You telepaths from the twilight zone. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you the characters from the books you love. I’m your host today, Lisa the robot girl, and my very special guest is Battle Prince Yaitolan Rintenide, of Pirantina. “Welcome to the show Prince Yaitolan.”

🦗🦗🦗

“Um, yeah. Honey we talked about this already. Your telepathic communication doesn’t work on me, because I’m a robot girl. It also doesn’t make for good radio. You’re going to have to use your words here.”

“My apologies, I haven’t interacted with any beings from this dimension, yet. Please, just call me Yaitolan, if you would be so kind. I am far too casual for my full Battle Prince title.”

“Battle Prince sounds like an important job. Is there down time where you aren’t actually a prince?”

“I can’t say that there is. I do occasionally pause for meditation to calm my soul magic and mind, but other than that, I have too many responsibilities, even for sleep. It’s worth it in the end, though. The resistance needs me, as does the planet.”

“How horrible! Who are you fighting against? Is there any hope of bringing them on the show for some kind of negotiations?”

“Well… the conflict began as a simple political disagreement several recollections ago… the Notoros took it too far, though. I don’t assume you know who they are, so allow me to elaborate; dragons were created before my species, the majji, but like all species, some are more potent than others. The Notoros started humbly, but gained technology and wished to rise to power. Unfortunately, they are a relatively new species and haven’t figured out how kindness, morality, and civility works… it became worse when the Azalyds overtook their kingdom by assassinating the other prominent royal family.

“Only several thousand years ago, Lidoz Azalyd attempted genocide against the elven women because they mocked his technique of leadership, if that says anything about their temperament. Things have gotten increasingly worse, since then… after the last Hybrid was slain, the war slowly degraded to enormous, unmoving trench-fare. The only thing that gives the resistance an advantage is good leadership and superior soul magic. And no… I don’t believe Prince Noctor would be willing to negotiate, he has been driven to exterminate the majji for thousands of years, as well as anyone who defies him.”

“So do you have an end game in mind?”

“Yes, I do. Defeat the Azalyds and bring tranquility back to my planet… I fear it will take a while, though, and there seem to be an increasing amount of distractions seeping into my life and muddling things up. Take this girl, for example. At first I thought her an elf, but then noticed her anatomy was slightly different, and she had hardly any soul power. I’m doing my best to take care of her, since she has no memory of her origins, or even her name… strange little thing. She manages to always get under my feet, I’m afraid of stepping on her. Mischievous and recalcitrant, too. At least she’s willing to train. I believe her species is human, and she comes from a quaint planet in another galaxy called Earth. I went on a mission there for private reasons, can’t say I approve of their government structures.”

“Step on her? So just how big are you?”

“Twenty-one lengths tall. Or to you, twenty-one feet tall.”

“Wow! So these Notoros are pretty big too then?”

“Huge to you, perhaps. The average Notoros dragon is about seven to ten feet tall when standing on its hind legs, but they can shift to a quadruped form… not without magic, though. The magic comes naturally with their species, as it does for most other creatures on Pirantina. I suppose that’s one reason the Notoros hate us so much, since majji typically have high soul power.”

“Do you have any advisors? Maybe one of them can offer some advice. At minimum, maybe they can watch the human for a few days while you take care of business.”

“I have several generals including Hectar, but when I need advice outside of the warzone, I typically turn to my parents- er, creators. I wouldn’t know which one to single out, though… there are 277 of them. In this dimension, you might refer to them as gods.”

“Again, wow. You really aren’t in Kansas are you? Don’t answer that. If the war ended today, what would you do? Would you go to Disneyland?”

“I’d return to the maggain capital and continue my original quest bequeathed to me by my creators… though if the war did end, it would no longer be necessary. Perhaps I’d help my brother figure out how to forge light magic… he’s been experimenting with different wavelengths for a very long time, but even with his brilliant mind, hasn’t solved the puzzle. It’s rather perturbing, since he was able to decipher the gravity vortex in the middle of our planet by the time he was three… he’s incredible, really. Pirantina is shaped like a discus, so the gravity fields fight with the rest of the galaxy. It makes landing a spaceship… entertaining.”

“Okay, that sounds kind of boring, but maybe it’s a reprieve from all that warfare.”

“And child-sitting, too… I really don’t mind her too much, she seems to be taking care of herself and getting in plenty of trouble on her own without my influence. She enjoys drawing, too… we don’t have too many artists in the camps. It’s nice having one right in my tent. She doesn’t know it, but I spy on her to watch her sketch things. I hope she doesn’t manage to listen to this interview, she’d find out.”

“Any closing remarks for our listeners today?”

“Nothing of note… except for a warning, based on experience. Don’t ever reverse a gravity-based engine when near a black hole. I figure this dimension has achieved that technology, right? Nevermind, I shouldn’t interfere with the development of other species.”

“Yaitolan, I wish you all the best in ending this war. I also hope you don’t squish your wards by mistake.

“If you want to learn more about Prince Yaitolan, pick up the book Saga for Pirantina Fall of the Human, by J.P. Greyheart. I’ll post all the deets on the website after I go off the air.

“One of the fun extras in this book involves unique artwork to go along with each chapter. I’ll post a collage of those too.

“Don’t forget to use those sharing buttons today. J.P. Greyheart would do it for you, when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

A young, struggling artist falls through a portal while escaping from a dragon that inexplicably appears in her neighborhood. She awakens on the hostile, beautiful planet of Pirantina, a disc world home to elves, dragons, and gods.

Her new companions range from a 21-foot tall mouthless blue humanoid Yaitolan, to a recalcitrant, teenage dragon prince named Jacabo. She lands in the middle of a war zone, and if the rebellion loses, it could mean the end of the Universe as we know it.

https://www.amazon.com/Saga-Pirantina-J-P-Greyheart-ebook/dp/B077XSGK19/

J. P. Greyheart is a young woman who dreamt of building spaceships and flying cars since she was a little girl romping through the woods. A free and determined spirit, she got into a lot of trouble and charmed/annoyed many teachers in elementary school. Once in highschool, she did not cease her mischief, instead restraining it to sketchpads and the margins of textbooks. She has a fiery affinity for dragons and wishes she could either ride one or turn into one- either would do.

Links/ social media

www.instagram.com/mirandathehybrid (art)

https://www.facebook.com/jpgreyheart/ (public page)

https://www.redbubble.com/people/PavelleArt (really neat merch)

Art from the book

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Scouting ahead

It isn’t quite the weekend yet, but I have Friday off this week. It’s getting close.

Old What’s Her Face decided to go to Nevada to visit her brother this weekend. Darn it! What will I do left to my own devices?

There is writing time in my future.

I need to get through another sea battle, suffer some kind of damage, and discover something unexpected. That sounds easy enough, but it isn’t.

I want to unleash my new character, and have some lines already in mind. The tough part is balancing the new plan, the eventual success, against the losses and the bummer parts of the story.

In other words, the fun has to balance with the reality of being a pirate. It wasn’t an easy life, and I need to reflect a bit of that.

Honestly, free writing usually solves these problems for me. I know my characters and how they will react to certain things. Then it becomes a matter of timing. In other words, it’s all fun until someone needs an eyepatch. You don’t want to discover the disaster until the successes are revealed.

After that, I need to design a whole country, city, and culture. There are things I want to happen there, but don’t know if I can fit them all. It’s probably better to overwrite it and clean it up on the next pass.

If anyone is interested, I pinned some graphics to help me out. Here is the Pinterest Board.

There is a temptation to spend a lot of time in this new country. In reality, they’ll probably need ten days. If I do it right this can eat up some pages without becoming boring.

What I’m not looking forward to is naming things. I hate coming up with names. Those usually aren’t hard to change and at this phase I can come up with something and change it later.

Another struggle point is how to leave town. They can accomplish their mission covertly and sneak away, or they can screw it up and shoot their way out of the harbor.

There is a lot to be said for the latter part, but it might eliminate an option from the denouement part of the story. Maybe I can make it a really big country, leaving them an option for a happy ever after in an alternate part of the country.

Am I blowing it by talking about this stuff? Does anyone feel like I spoiled a fantasy pirate adventure by mentioning they will get a happy ever after? I kind of doubt anyone wants to read an adventure story where everyone dies and cries.

Kind of excited about this weekend. It can’t get here soon enough for me.

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SCROTUS, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Lisa Burton

Welcome all you veterans and dirt cowboys, you Hog aficionados of all kinds. You’ve landed on Lisa Burton Radio, the only show that brings you characters from the books you love. Today, my special guest is Shawna Kretchman, Chief of police on the Pine Creek Indian reservation. “Welcome to the show, Shawna.”

“Aww…thanks, Lisa. I’ve heard a lot about you. (From my other half, the one with the big mouth…) Really looking forward to meeting you.”

“Nice to finally meet you. We had your friend, Fish, on the show last year.”

“Oh, really? What did he say about me? Gotta tell ya, parts of me are afraid to ask…and I love the guy.”

“Nice things, I promise. He said something about a motor home in Twin Falls, and you putting him in jail, twice. But it was all really nice.”

“That’s right, Lisa. Locked him and his two buds up twice. First, for stealing a humongous RV. But we released them when we found out they had just repoed it. Then, we had to invite them back for another visit, after one of our guys found a stiff in the bus’s freezer. Turned out, it was the RV’s owner, who had gotten popped by his long-suffering girlfriend.”

“How did you wind up going from Twin Falls, Idaho, to the Sioux Reservation?”

“Well, after we cut Fish and his buds loose for the second time, I happened to mention that I ride a Harley, too – just like him. One thing led to another and he invited me down to visit him in Malibu for a few days of sun, good rides and some whatever. I showed up right when he and his two buds were getting ready to leave for a week-long blow-out in Sturgis, South Dakota—the biggest biker party in the biz. So, I rode along. And after three bar fights, a wrestling match in a ring full of chocolate pudding and a firefight with a bunch of hired killers, the rest is history.”

“So what does a week at Pine Falls look like for the Police Chief?”

“Well, it’s a long way from what you probably think. I mean, the Lakota Sioux are a pretty spiritual people in their own way. Treating each other with respect is huge on the Rez. And, since alcohol is banned there, drunks and bar fights are in pretty short supply. Now, we DID have a bunch of petroleum pipeline workers show up on their day off. And, hammered doesn’t even come close. They were inside the supermarket, tearing the place up and looking to pick up where John Wayne left off. Five beat-up store employees and a pair of huge, busted front windows later, I showed up. Tried to give them the choice of peaceably getting with the program, and ended up having to go all Godzilla on their hindquarters. Our visitors took home about fourteen busted teeth, a broken ankle, three crippled knees, one concussion, a dislocated shoulder, two broken jaws…and the grand prize winner got his own personal trache tube after I crushed his windpipe. I guess you had to be there.”

“Whoa…But listen, I heard you recently got involved with something even bigger. Set the stage a bit for us, if you will.”

“Ok, remember that petroleum pipeline that got bullied through a couple of states? Picture this—the president is due to fly out for the pipeline’s big grand opening celebration. I’m out at the state fairgrounds making sure my people are in place for the ceremony. Secret Service agents are running around checking ID’s and taking into their coat sleeves. All of a sudden, a parade of big black SUV’s pull onto the grounds…enough to make it look like a bigtime Mafia funeral. And in the center of the parade is the presidential limo. Before I know what’s happening, some little gerbil scurries over and tells me that President Tiny Fingers just HAS to meet me. So, while I’m walking over to the limo with him, our Liar in Chief tosses all of his Secret Service agents out of the car, because he needs some alone time with me.”

“But it all went off the rails. Tell our listeners what went down.”

“Lisa, off the rails doesn’t even begin to come close. First thing Orange Boy does is cough a whole container of chewed up Tic Tacs into his hand. THEN he shakes hands with me. Then, he gets my name wrong more times than you can count and informs me that he and I are going to have an affair to remember.”

“Ewwwww!”

“Right. Then, the party kicks into high gear. Naturally, I turn down his affair invitation. So, he unzips and whips out the teeniest little skin flute known to man and tries to get me to play a tune on it. As if! So, I tell him ‘no’ in terms any genetic throwback can understand. He sulks out his window for a couple of seconds, then pounces on me. Threatens to have his buddies in Russia pop a cap on me, and then tries to give me a pelvic exam through my uniform pants.

“Now, my momma always said that a lady doesn’t execute a sitting president. So, I did the next best thing. I subdued that idiot, slapped the cuffs on him, read him his rights, and charged him with a boatload of violent felonies, including attempted rape.”

“So is the President in jail right now? I know jurisdictional issues are a nightmare on a reservation.”

“Boy, is he in jail. And, thanks to a prosecutor and judge who agreed with my recommendations about him being a major league flight risk, that’s where he’s gonna stay until there’s a verdict.”

“There must be some political fallout. Did you get called out on Twitter?”

“Fallout? You have no idea. First, the White House sends the Attorney General out to drop the charges. Too bad the reservation is sovereign and separate from the U.S. government, so he has no authority. Then, he tries to bribe the prosecutor and me into dropping the charges, and ends up in the cell next to Orange Boy.

“Then, the White House Chief of Staff orders South Dakota’s governor to activate their National Guard, bust a lot of heads and free the prez. Too bad their commanding general decided to go rogue, and brought the entire guard down to the rez to fight on our side.

“Then, the pipeline company rents a couple of hundred security ‘contractors’ and has them try to break president Tiny Hands out of the slammer. Let’s just say, that puppy wouldn’t hunt.”

“Don’t leave us hanging. Testify, sister. What have they done to you?”

“Well, I did have a couple of days where things didn’t look good. One of the corrupt rocket scientists in Orange Boy’s cabinet talked to somebody. Who talked to somebody else. Eventually the word filtered down to the Republican Sheriff in the state capitol. He passed the governor’s orders along to the head of the county’s SWAT group. Next thing I knew, they grabbed me up in a bogus 911 call, and were going try to trade me for president Tiny Fingers.

“Ok, obviously, I made it out of that. But you’re going to have to read the book to get the whole story. I will say this: we were lucky the president’s cabinet and the Republicans in Congress were so corrupt, stupid and out of touch. They got really cocky when they thought they had us surrounded.

“Which was right where we wanted them.”

“Nobody should be above the law. Right or wrong, you have to trust the process here. Any closing remarks for our listeners today?”

“Well I kind of loved what Fish had to say after the dust settled on the whole thing. “I bet it’s gonna be a long time before another Republican president misbehaves on Shawna’s beat…”

“Shawna, I wish you all the best here. Stay strong and you’ll come out on top, maybe.

“Listeners can learn all about Shawna and how this shakes out in the book SCROTUS So-Called Ruler Of The U.S., by Jeff Lee. I’ll post all the pertinents on the website after I sign off.

“Make sure to use those sharing buttons on your way out today. Jeff and Shawna would do it for you, when your character appears on the next Lisa Burton Radio.”

***

“Fish” Fishbein and his girlfriend, Shawna Kretschman, have a nice, quiet life. He’s L.A.’s repo man and bounty hunter to the stars, and she runs the police force on a South Dakota Sioux reservation.

Then, the President of the United States comes to town. And her quiet life turns upside down when she has to arrest him for trying to forcibly exercise his ‘executive privilege’ on her in the back of the presidential limo.

Shawna wants the tiny-handed prez to stand trial for his assault and a handful of other violent felonies. But first, she and Fish will have to take on a corrupt Attorney General who wants to dismiss all charges, and an army of private security contractors out for blood.

And down in the White House Situation Room, the supremely unqualified, corrupt and wealthy members of the president’s cabinet are negotiating with the Russians to invade the country and free their woman-groping boss.

If this goes on much longer, someone is going to have to step in and save Shawna, Fish and the American people from their own government.

They say that politics makes for strange bedfellows. In SCROTUS’ case, very strange. Very fast-paced and very funny, too. With more Alternate Facts than you can shake a White House Press Liaison at. Imagine All the President’s Men meets Jason Bourne and The Three Stooges.

It’s bigly. It’s beautiful. You’re gonna love it.

It’s a done deal.

Pick up your copy on Amazon: bit.ly/tinyfingers

Born in New York and raised near San Francisco, I’ve been a copywriter and creative director for some of the country’s most creative ad agencies. Won a lot of silly awards for my creativity and wise-ass sense of humor.

And I’ve been writing in L.A. since before KC even HAD a Sunshine Band.

So, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that, given half a chance, this city can be a never-ending cavalcade of rib-tickling fun — and funny — things, people and approaches to this thrill ride we call life.

Like phony televangelists who produce biblical-themed porn for the faithful.

Bat-shit crazy showbiz moms.

Defrocked talent agents posing as Reality Show producers.

The Rose Parade.

And on.

And on.

It never freakin’ ends with this place.

There’s always something — or someone — to gape at and giggle over.

I tell ya, you’ve just GOT to love this town!

It’s the law.

Amazon Author Page: amzn.to/ 20j8CQp    

Facebook Author Page: on.fb.me/1QPczqQ

Website: jeffleewriter.weebly.com

Twitter: @jfredlee

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