I could write a country song

I could write a country song called “Vending Machine Imodium.” The only problem is there isn’t a poetic bone in my body. I may have to put the touch on Marissa Bergen to write it for me. I know she has the chops for such a song.

My paycheck job sent me to beautiful Sandpoint, Idaho yesterday. Somewhere along the way, I wound up with whatever plague Old What’s Her Face had earlier this week. I’ve got to stop sleeping with her.

My group was booked on a tour of the lake last night, and dinner in a nice restaurant. I skipped the tour and opted to put on all my clothes, crank up the heat, and crawl in bed. They saw some bald eagles along the shore too, so I missed out. I stayed in bed until I stopped shivering.

I met them at the restaurant, and there were eagles about half a mile off-shore circling. Not much of a view, and I don’t feel like they brought me much luck. If I get through this presentation without a foul of some kind, I’ll change my mind.

I’m writing this in my room, before I get dressed. No sense adding a layer between me and the toilet. Since I’m bringing fellow bloggers into this one, I’ll note for Victo Dolore that bad things do actually happen in hotel rooms. Wear a hazmat suit. (It wasn’t me, probably the previous guest. Yeah, I’m pretty sure.)

I’m being paged, so I may have to finish this after I get home. That will give Lisa’s advice column a bit more time in the spotlight.


It’s now 8:30 PM. Our flight got delayed multiple times, and I haven’t eaten in about 36 hours. Back to my country song.

There would have to be a verse about straightening your dollar bills, feeding them into the machine, and watching the spring shaped thingie spin around. Then the product drops.

Check that photo. It wants me to compare this to Imodium. They have to know that nobody will ever do this. I bought it in a hotel vending machine. If I had Imodium in my other hand, I would have bought Imodium. They get to posture as to how big a favor they’re doing me, but there is zero risk that I will compare before buying their product.

The dosage says to take two at the outset of problems. Then you take one every time you:

The box only has four pills, and I took them all in about 30 minutes. The only thing that stopped the flow was running out of material. This is why I stopped eating. Maybe another verse about the expiration date. These things could have been stuck in that vending machine in the 20th century.

I braved a cup of coffee this morning, but it didn’t settle well. Fortunately, I was able to score a cup of English Breakfast Tea, and that seemed to be fine.

My crowd has been trying to force food on me all day long. I’ve been offered a sandwich, soup, and several other things. I’m not interested, folks!

I had to ride in a twelve passenger van for over an hour. I am the driver, but had to bow out for the trip home. I wound up with double vision before we left, and while death would have been okay for me (preferable even today), I didn’t want to inflict it upon my co-workers. We went into downtown Spokane for over two hours. While everyone else walked around, I protected the van. I know what the risk involves, and was unwilling to take it.

Now I have an hour at the airport, before taking a one hour flight. I swear I’ll eat something when I get home, where I feel safe, and can run for the toilet if things don’t work out well. Where nobody can get disgusted if things don’t work out well. Except for my wife, who will take great glee in watching someone else suffer after the week she just had.


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60 responses to “I could write a country song

  1. I hope you are home now, and safe from embarrassing moments!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really think that “Vending Machine Imodium” would be a great band name. Yes, yes, a song, it could be a song, but the songs have a life cycle, and I think this name should be repeated on the radio a lot. They’d shorten it to VMI, just like we have CCR, and GnR, and WASP, ABBA, REM, UFO, INXS and ACDC…

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  3. And I hope you feel better soon. It is really the worst sort of thing to happen on a trip.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hope you feel better. Reminds me of the times I’ve gotten a stomach virus. Praying for death was a common activity. With the song, I always thought country songs had a tragic component like backing over the cat and the girl running away with a rodeo clown. Then things improved. Maybe the medicine could get stuck in the machine for a bit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. THIS is why hotel room bathrooms creep me out. Tub soak? I don’t think so! Yikes. I am so sorry. We are seeing tons of this awful GI bug down here right now, too, so it has spread across the country like wild fire apparently. Screw food. Just stay hydrated!!!! May you recoup quickly and don’t forget your probiotic!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There are all sorts of nasty things going around here. I’ve had your stomach plague (twice now, actually) and I’m presently fighting an ear infection. I don’t know why diseases are so strong this year—or why they seem to be targeting me, my family, and my friends—but I’m so ready for it to stop.

    I do hope you made it back without further incident and you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. I could hear the rumbles from here. Great writing. You could always pass the stuff back to Old What’s her name. (If she takes too much glee.)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh, man, what a lousy trip! Hope you’re feeling better (and Old What’s Her Face doesn’t gloat too much 🙂 )

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ick!!! Hope you’re feeling back on form again soon, Craig. Abstinence from ‘material’ is good, but don’t forget to keep your fluids intake up to compensate – tea is good! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Over here whisky ‘without’ is Scottish and whiskey ‘with’ is Irish – Irish is probably better, shock horror! but the Scots have more variation n the blends, so you get to choose your favourite ‘poison’

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  11. Sorry you had such a bad time. I hope you’ll feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. The lyrics were in my head before I even saw my name. Challenge accepted….and feel better….

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s the new single, My Pickup Truck Crapped Out and So Did I, by…wait for it…the Zach Brown Band.

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  14. Pingback: Vending Machine Imodium | Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth

  15. Well that’s just s*** Craig! Hope you’re feeling a bit better now and recover soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. OMG, what a miserable time. From the comments it looks like you made it home okay and are on the path to recovery. I wouldn’t wish that crap on anyone! Uh…pun intended 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  17. After three years of living overseas, my immune system just laughs at American pathogens.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Lawd, Craig, that’s a ROUGH time ya had there. I’ve always subscribed to the theory of letting it RUN its course, speeding it up with something hot and fast, like citrus, tequila… But not when I’m driving a passenger van. I’d sit that one out.
    I hope it’ll pass quickly. Feel better soon.
    Do let us know if Melissa takes a shot at the lyrics. I’ve appreciated her work elsewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. There’s so much stuff going around, especially with the weather changes. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Being sick is bad, but being sick away from home is the worst, Craig. Hope you’re feeling better!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Glad you’re feeling better! Travel and sickness shouldn’t be allowed to co-exist.


  22. Pingback: Writing Links 6/19/17 – Where Genres Collide