The Chicago Cubs, on Lisa Burton Radio

Welcome to another edition of Lisa Burton Radio, the show where we interview the characters that bring the stories to life. I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl.

I work pretty hard to find stories to share with you, and I’ve been working on this one for a month. As most of you know by now, The Chicago Cubs won the World Series, breaking a curse that lasted 108 years. Unfortunately, Mr. Epstein is unavailable. I tried Chapman, Lester, Schwarber, and Montero to no avail.

This is an important story, so I kept at it and today my very special guest is Murphy, the billy goat. “Welcome to the show, Murphy.”

“Baaaah.”

“Oh, for those of you listening out there, I downloaded a goat to English translation program, and Murphy is happy to be here.

“Your bio says you were the face of the Billy Goat Tavern, in Chicago, is that right?”

“Baaaaahhh.”

“Yes, that does make us somewhat alike. I’m a spokesmodel for Craig’s writing career. I’ve got to tell you, we both love baseball too. In fact, Craig is working on a collection of baseball short stories with a slight science fiction angle.”

“Baaah.”

“So as a major fan yourself it was disheartening to be thrown out of the stadium?

“Baaah. Baaaaahhh.”

“Okay, here. I brought you some lovely cans to chew on. So, you were at the actual 1945 World Seres at Wrigley, and they asked you to leave because of your odor?”

“Baaaaahhh.”

“And you’re sick of being blamed for everything.”

“Baaah.”

“Mr. Sianis took it hard. You and he were at the game, and he issued the curse. So it wasn’t your fault at all then. Can you elaborate?”

“Baaah, baaaaaahhh.”

“So he thought they damaged the reputation of his business, and he issued the curse.”

“Baaah. Baaaaahhhh, baaah.”

“So you want our listeners to know the Cubs just sucked from 1909 to 1945, and you’re sick of being blamed for those years. There wasn’t even a curse in place.”

“Baaah.”

“People went crazy and started blaming you for everything. It was character assination on a grand scale.”

“Baaahhh.”

“Good thing you didn’t have a Twitter account back then. So you aren’t responsible for things like the Buckner Blunder, or the black cat at Shay Stadium?”

“Baaaahhhh!”

“Okay, okay. Have another can, look this one held creamed corn. So Buckner had on a Cubs batting glove when the blunder was made, but you didn’t put it there, and the cat was just a Mets fan. Got it, and now our listeners do too.”

“Baaah.”

“You’re welcome. So now that the curse is broken, what’s next for you?”

“Baaah.”

“Yeah, being a spokesmodel is a pretty good gig. I don’t know of anyone who might need a goat, but I think Geico did some work with a goat once.”

“Baaahh?”

“No, I don’t know any authors who might need a goat spokesmodel. Craig has written a few goat characters, most recently in a short story in his second Experimental Notebook.”

“Baaah.”

“I’m so glad you liked it, I’ll make sure to tell him. Would you get consider going back into cursing?”

“Baaah.”

“Only if you can’t land another spokes gig, or a Hollywood film. I think your story is fascinating, and listeners of this show like magic and curses and things like that. Urban legends and mythology are really popular around here.”

“Baaah?”

“Well, yeah, you are, in a way. The idea is to milk that for all it’s worth. You’re already a legend, might as well cash in on it.”

“Baaah??”

“No, sorry, I don’t have contact information for Michael Bay, if I did we’d already be talking about a Lisa Burton movie, know what I mean?”

“Baaah.”

“You’re just going to have to do the legwork. A brave little goat in Hollywood, beating the streets.

“Thank you for visiting with us today, Murphy. For Lisa Burton Radio, I’m Lisa Burton, and have a Happy Thanksgiving.”

***

Nobody wanted to take a chance on a Thanksgiving edition of Lisa Burton Radio, so she put together this conversation with Murphy.

If you’d like Lisa to interview your fictional character, drop her a line at Coldhand (dot) Boyack (at) gmail (dot) com. Just replace the parts in (parenthases) with the necessary symbol.

We’re also toying with the idea of making the show into “Dear Lisa” on occasion. She has several questions about her tattoos, and needs a couple more before we try this. It doesn’t have to be specifically about Lisa, but she does enjoy those. The contact information is the same as for the interviews.

Go Cubs, signed Murphy.