Matricide
“Once more, from the top, please.”
“I thought it would be easier. Just take a knife, slice her in half and be done with it. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. The knife only goes in about six inches, then stops.”
“Where did you do it?”
“The garage. It’s easier to clean up the mess. I’m telling you, crap goes everywhere. I finally had to use some large pruning shears to get her into manageable chunks.”
“And where are these pieces now?”
“The landfill, I suppose. Look, I know that isn’t the right place, but my car’s broke down. I figured if I could bag up the pieces the garbage truck would take them. I had a hell of a time getting her into the garage too.”
“So you premeditated a plan to get her into the garage? Tell us about the plan.”
“I knew I couldn’t do it in the house. I can clean out the garage easier than the carpets, but it was a fight to get her out there. She weighs about the same as I do, and it was all dead weight, you know?”
“So she didn’t go to the garage on her own?”
“They never do.”
“You mean there are more of them? How many more?”
“N, no. This is the first one. I promise never to do it again.”
“You won’t, you sick bastard. We’re going to need those tools as evidence too. You can allow us to search the garage and take the tools, or we can get a warrant. What’s your choice?”
“Will, will I get my tools back? They were my father’s.”
“I don’t think you’ll be needing them where you’re headed.”
“Maybe you ought to get the warrant then.”
“Alright, let’s see if I have this right, before I wake up the judge. You pushed her off the bed, then kicked her over the headboard–”
“Footboard.”
“You kicked her over the footboard. Then you dragged her to the garage, tried to cut her up with a knife, but decided to use some pruning shears instead.”
“Uh huh.”
“Then you placed her pieces in garbage bags and tricked the sanitation company into taking her to the landfill.”
“Yes, sir.”
“How many bags? We need to recover all of them.”
“Th, there were six in all. Four to hold the big parts, and two to hold all the insides. That stuff goes everywhere.”
“Where did you wash up?”
“In my shower. It was hot and sweaty in the garage, and I had crap all over me, so I took a shower.”
“We’re going to have to collect the shower drain too. You seem pretty relaxed about it all.”
“Haven’t slept this well in years.”
“You’re a cold bastard, you know that?”
“I couldn’t take all the sleepless nights, you don’t know how noisy she was at night, and she stunk too. When they get that old they aren’t the same anymore. I sprayed her down with Febreze and gave her a new blanket, but that smell always came back.”
“Good, God. My mother stinks too, but I’d never spray her down with air freshener and cut her up in some dingy garage.”
“Me either.”
“Are you now recanting your testimony?”
“Look all I did was get a new mattress and tried to slip the old one past the garbage man. I never knew it was a crime.”
“Randy at the bar called 911 at 01:34 this morning and said you were in there bragging about matricide.”
“What else would you call it? I got rid of my old mattress. I never knew it was a crime.”
***
With apologies to John Howell who writes these kind of stories better than I could ever hope.
PS: The 99¢ sale for The Playground is going on right now. Take advanatage of the sale price before it goes away.
Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie.
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Loved this one, Craig. Where do you find them all?
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I blame the Muse. Glad you enjoyed it.
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That was just great….the play on words perfect! My husband would love this…he’s got a pun for every occasion.
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Thank you.
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Bwahahaha! Love it. 😀
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Thank you.
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Reblogged this on Legends of Windemere and commented:
Another spooky, twisty tale from C.S. Boyack.
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Thanks.
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You’re welcome. Also, thanks for the warning. Thought only the tag removal was illegal.
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Whatever you do, don’t remove the tag.
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I swear it fell off by natural causes.
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Bravo. I was ready for creepy and got hilarious. Love these stories.
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I don’t know where they come from. I must have seen the advertisements where they try to convince us to get a new mattress every eight years.
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Even the memory foam ones? Always thought those had a lot of years on them.
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I think they must have formed a trade association to get us all to replace more frequently. Remember when an appliance used to last forever, and even then it was repairable? It isn’t that way on purpose now.
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Keep thinking about how long my original 20 Gig iPod lasted. My wife had newer models that died within a few years. Mine made it for over a decade. Money is replacement, I guess.
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Even the automobile industry does what they call planned obsolescence. Apple eventually stops updating ios for older phones and such. It’s all to force us into re-purchasing.
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One of the most evil systems ever. Not as evil dentist insurance, but it’s up there. 🙂
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Hahahaha! Well done. I didn’t see that coming.
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I was afraid I’d pushed it too far for the twist to work. I did like the line about Febreeze though.
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WOW, absolutely sucked in, but really giggled when I realised what he was talking about. Can just imagine the officer’s face :)))))
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Glad you enjoyed it.
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Reblogged this on Phoenix Rainez and commented:
With Halloween approaching I just had to share this story 😉
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Thanks for the assist. It means a lot to me.
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Positively loved it. Had to read it through a second time once I knew the ending just to marvel at how well it played out. The line about the insides (that stuff goes everywhere) was brilliant.
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I’m glad everyone seems to be liking this one. My favorite part was the Febreeze.
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Fantastic story for this time of year- and hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle!
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So glad you enjoyed it.
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Haha! Brilliant, Craig! Just brilliant!
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Glad you liked it.
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Priceless. Matricide 🙂
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You certainly outdid me, my friend. This was terrific.
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You honor me, but I’m glad you liked it.
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Yup.
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Reblogged this on Fiction Favorites and commented:
Here is an excellent short story with a twist. Craig is one of the best at these kinds of tales. He also has The Playground on sale for $0.99. Check it out.
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Thanks for the assist too.
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Anytime.
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Great story. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
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So glad you liked it.
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Ha ha! Had me guessing to the end. Great pun! 🙂
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Glad you enjoyed it.
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Nicely done. I love that ending.
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Glad you enjoyed it.
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Well… I suppose you think that’s funny?! 😛
I thought there was a real Howeller coming up, but I didn’t anticipate that one – very clever! 😀
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This guy could be Ben’s brother. At least he isn’t being interviewed by Mrs. Worthe.
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LOL! Oh that was clever! I really loved this one! And that title! 😀
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So glad you liked it.
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Hilarious, C.S. I loved the twist at the end. It caught me completely by surprise. 😀 — Suzanne
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Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for saying so.
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Good one!
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Glad you liked it.
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Hahahaha! Nice. 🙂
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Glad you liked it.
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