Welcome everyone, on this episode of Lisa Burton Radio we have a really unusual guest. I’m your host, Lisa Burton the robot girl.
Crossing Bedlam is the sponsor of today’s show, and I’ll load all the important links at the end of the show. Let’s all welcome Lloyd Tenay.
“Hello Lloyd, welcome to the show.”
“Great to boob here. Uh . . . eh, close enough.”
“You have an interesting background. Prior to the collapse, which produced the Shattered States, you were in prison. Can you tell us a little about that?”
“The simple story is that I was a totally misunderstood serial killer who got caught. In my defense, the zoo had a new baboon exhibit and those animals are a lot of fun to watch. Oh, I guess I kill people because I wasn’t raised right or have a couple screws loose. I don’t know. It was either serial killer or taxi driver and I hate getting stuck in traffic. Where was I?
“By the way, I think you dropped your pencil and should bend down to pick it up.
“So, I was locked up for a while. Mostly solitary confinement because I rarely played well with others. There really wasn’t much to do besides working out, dreaming up new ways to kill people, and occasionally being brought out to entertain guests. After the collapse, the warden got supplies in various ways, which included hosting a death match. Reigning champion over here. Though I wasn’t allowed to go ‘Predator’ and keep a trophy. Wow. Nice to be able to utter a reference instead of being vague.”
“Do you think all of that is a benefit in the Shattered States? I mean survival can be a brutal business.”
“Seems to be useful. I’m still the newborn babe in this world, but having the ability to end a life without remorse does have an advantage here. Well, maybe I have some remorse at times, but there are a lot of bad guys to take out now. I can be like the Punisher or Venom or that guy with the hit movie whose name escapes me. All I really know is that it’s become kill or be killed out there and I’m a master at the former. How would a master at being killed work anyway? It’s really a onetime trick.”
“Yeah Lloyd, I suppose I can see that in a kind of twisted way. Under these circumstances, there are likely people who need killing. I mean there are cannibals out there, for cripes sakes. Still, don’t you want some kind of normalcy? Maybe settle down with Cassidy and live happily ever after?”
“Those cannibals were really freaky, but my contract states I can’t say anything more than that. I mean, total nutcases that would make Charles Manson question their sanity. Not sure normalcy is a thing here any more and it wasn’t my cup of tea in the first place. At least until I find the right woman who can admire the raw, animal crazy that is me. I’d say magnetism, but I don’t want to scramble your circuits and kick off Skynet. Although, there’d probably be a lot less resistance if Terminators looked more like you than Captain Heavy Accent. So exactly how long are your legs and are you double-jointed?”
“I’m a concept robot, so my legs are adjustable. And just in case, I’m bullet resistant, and a whole lot stronger than you are.
“Moving on, let’s talk about Nebraska. What’s Cassidy so scared of in Nebraska?”
“The kid won’t tell me. I think she has an ex-boyfriend out there or a reputation as some badass stripper with a heart of gold. Maybe it’s all about her father and people will get a front row seat to some teary-eyed reunion. Although she’s really big on saving ammo for Nebraska, which makes me lean more toward family being involved.”
“Lloyd, Lloyd, <snap, snap> I hate to cut you off there, but you have a caller. Hi, you’re on the air with Lisa and Lloyd.”
“This is Cassidy… Where the fuck are you, Lloyd!?
“You left me in the bar and took the trading bag with you! I had to fight my way out and now we can’t go back. Not to mention I had to beat a gangbanger into the ground to get his phone and call into the show.”
“Thank god you added ‘into the ground’ there. <snick> Ah, the sobering sound of a friend aiming a sniper rifle at my nether region. In my defense, the host is really hot. I mean, insanely hot. They don’t make them like her . . . Are you mass produced because I’d like to order one?”
“You see a pair of tits and leave me behind? What kind of bodyguard are you?”
“The one you broke out of prison and never signed up for the job. You know I’m only in this story to be the crazy, sexy killer and source of comedy. Helps that I have a beautiful smile that the author really should bring more attention to. To be fair, I’d have wandered off for a nice ass, killer legs, shiny knives, a sale on graphic t-shirts, baboons, free samples of those cocktail weenies, and out of boredom. Not to mention, we’re the main characters. I’m safe because the two fans we have love me and you’re safe because you’re more of the focal point when it comes to the plot. Either one of us bites it then the series ends. At least if there is a series. Please buy CROSSING BEDLAM, which is now in paperback as well as the original eBook format for Amazon! Order now for your Kindle and get the book delivered immediately, which is how the thing works in the first place.”
“Shut the fuck up, Lloyd!” <Click>
“Sorry folks, trying to get the timing down on this censor button thingie. So wait a minute. You believe you’re a fictitious character in a book, rather than someone a book was written about? How is it that you’re here outside any book talking to Cassidy and I?”
“Well it makes complete sense. You have two strangers who get together in bizarre circumstances (jail break) and have a strange quest (toss Mama Cassidy’s ashes off the Golden Gate Bridge) and travel across a desolate landscape where they run into an array of odd characters (cannibals, rhino-loving snipers, wandering librarians, Eagles fans, etc.). We have to be main characters in a story with all of that going on. No other logical, totally sane explanation can be made.
“Now how did I get here specifically? Well, I told Cass that <Snick> Sorry, Cassidy that I was going to hit the bathroom, took the cellphone from a greasy guy out back who might have been the cook, and called in after seeing the number on a bathroom stall. So, I didn’t really know what I was calling into, but I gave all my info to this Craig guy. He seemed nice. Do you pay him well?
“Anyway, I tend to wander around when I’m on the phone and thought I was heading back to the Jeep. Um, I think I got lost. Cassidy, can you drive down the highway and look for a guy showing leg to get a lift? Probably won’t be me, but I want to see what post-apocalyptic hitchhikers are like.”
“Oooo Kaaay, I told everyone at the beginning that Lloyd was a bit different. He certainly proved that. Until next time for Lisa Burton Radio, this is Lisa Burton. Please check out the links on the website and consider adding Crossing Bedlam to your reading list.”
Amazon Author Page- http://www.amazon.com/Charles-E.-Yallowitz/e/B00AX1MSQA/