My Preciousss

Old What's Her Face* told me a few days ago that she needed a new iron. I figured, small appliance, they don't last forever, okay. I assumed we'd wind up at Target or someplace this weekend.

 

My phone rang at the office this afternoon. “Well, I got my iron.”

 

“That's cool. One less errand this weekend.”

 

“Well, I decided to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and take care of it.”

 

I might have done a small face palm. There are no witnesses, so I'm not sure. “I thought you were going to Kohl's or someplace.”

 

“I looked at Target last week, and I don't like what they have.”

 

“What else did you buy?”

 

“Just–” Oh yeah, notice how there is no attempt to deny anything. Also notice how the word “just” minimizes the shopping experience.

 

“Just some tea tree oil, a new pumice stone, an iron, and a new dog blanket.”

 

“I didn't think there was anything wrong with his old blanket.”

 

“I've been watching these special dog blankets, and they're only eighty dollars, but I had a coupon and got half off.”

 

I leaned against my desk. Huh, I don't think we use an eighty dollar blanket.

 

She continued, “I needed the right iron. An iron is a very personal item – Gollum Gollum.“

 

“So about two hundred bucks or so?”

 

“Pretty close.”

 

This is wife-speak for I've guessed too low. I've been married long enough to recognize the time to quit – while I'm behind.

 

I'm writing this at home. The dog is curled up with his new blanket. Old What's Her Face is in the kitchen filling The Precious with water. I'm pretty sure she's going to spend part of the evening on the couch working on her hooves with a pumice stone and tea tree oil.

 

*Not my wife's actual name.