I have a houseful of company this weekend. As such, I am not coming up with something deeply creative today. Instead, I’ll make a confession to the world.
I’ve never been one for reality television. My wife will watch something on occasion, and I zone out with one project or another. In similar fashion, I’ve never gotten into YouTube — until recently. This probably makes me a bad human, but I’m addicted to videos of people lancing boils, carbuncles, cysts and whatever else you call such things.
These come in various forms:
They start out with doctors extracting the entire bubble of fluid (pus) completely within it’s natural sac. These are boring.
They are followed by doctors lancing and draining the various infections. These are clinical but interesting.
Next is the third world. Sanitation is weak or non-existent. The interesting part is these people don’t whine or wince at all. They accept their fates without any anesthetics at all.
Moving on to tattoo parlors and beauty salons. These are getting interesting. People make a loose attempt at sanitation, usually by putting on some kind of black rubber gloves. They still place cutting implements on dirty tables and such. There is always a crowd around, and sometimes crap squirts for yards. Any women involved squeal and jump as the cyst is squeezed.
Then there are the redneck versions. Now we’re talking! This style of video is like the Darwin Awards – Junior.
These usually start off with some young dude making his best pro wrestling poses and grunting. Sanitation usually isn’t even attempted; although, I saw one guy who cut a hole in a garbage bag and placed it around his cyst. I also watched one guy dunk his carpet knife in his highball before going to work.
These videos usually involve a barbecue, and a ring of people standing around the
victim patient while holding long-necked bottles.
Once the rednecks get to work, someone usually refers to the boil as a “little brother.” Someone usually retches, but that could be from the beverages, or the quality of the barbecue. I watched one cyst squirt a graceful arch over the top of the “surgeon’s” drink. The surgeon simply moved it aside, took a swig and kept squeezing.
Surgical equipment usually involves an Exacto blade held in a pair of pliers. I have seen a handful of carpet knives, and one Buck folding knife. The dogs usually clean up the patio.
I don’t know what it is, but these things crack me up. If one of these guys cut his whole arm off, I’d probably laugh anyway. It has nothing to do with the process, it’s the people that get my attention. These people are real live humans. It means we can do some pretty outrageous things with our fictional characters and still be believable.
I think I must be going to Hell. There is certainly something wrong with me. Maybe there is a 12 step program somewhere.